Thanks to my vacation mode, which technically just lasted 5 days but my mind stayed on it for two weeks, I missed a week of the Weekly Haul. So this week, I’ll be talking about 2 weeks worth of comics. Yay!
Civil War is still fresh in everybody’s mind, what with all The Initiative shit going on. But that’s not the only war in comics right now. This week, there’s going to be a clusterfuck of DC characters when World War III commences in the pages of the weekly comic series 52. And over at Marvel, the countdown has already begun for World War Hulk, where the Hulk basically punches everybody in the face! Probably even Aunt May! If she’s still alive.
Anyhoo, let’s start with the comic book goodness, shall we? And as usual, SPOILERS bitches!
52 #48: Renee Montoya’s story, at least in this series, ends here. She finally officially becomes the new Question. Umm… yay? I don’t think so. The old Question was fun and funny. Montoya’s emo. Plus, she has inner monologues. Emo inner monologues.
I hope Batwoman’s not dead. Because she’s hot. And lesbian.
Awesome line: “I finally found a way to dissolve the enamel on the Black Marvel’s teeth. I’m like a kid in a toy store, Tom!” – Dr. Sivana on the destruction of Black Adam’s teeth
Rating: 3 out of 5 Australian werewolves.
52 #49: Dr. Magnus’ story wraps up here with the Justice Society of America attacking Oolong Island, home base of Chang Tzu’s Science Squad. Isn’t as funny as it sounds, since this is where the seeds of World War III start to grow.
Black Adam is unleashed, and Chinese and American heroes are ready to pull each other’s hair. I smell war! Yay!
Awesome line: “You shouldn’t have taken away my meds. I told you I do crazy things without my meds!” – Dr. Magnus while shooting a giant egg-man in the face!
Rating: 4 out of 5 tiny talking metal men.
The Amazing Spider-Man #538: I got this one from the Civil War promo of ComicQuest Alabang. I would have preferred another title, but I already have the other promo items. Meh.
This takes place during the climactic (or is that anti-climactic?) final battle of the whole Civil War thing. Spidey comes home to Mary Jane and Aunt May to relax because finally, the whole hero-on-hero slapfight is over. And then Aunt May gets shot. It never stops for poor ol’ Peter Parker.
Awesome line: “In every two-sided war there must, in the end, be one winner and one loser. And this one will serve us very, very well.” – An excited Kingpin on Iron Man’s Civil War victory
Rating: 3 out of 5 sleepy assassins.
Avengers: The Initiative #1: See that cover there with a sexy Ms. Marvel looking all… um… sexy? I didn’t get that one. I got the cover with a muscular She-Hulk on it. Bummer.
This is a good start for this series. Great art and fast-paced storytelling. There’s a bunch of cool new characters too. A couple of years ago, I wouldn’t have guessed that I’ll be enjoying 3 (three!!!) Avengers titles in a single month. Awesome.
Awesome line: “It iz a multi-dimensional var chest able to reshape itzelf into an infinite number of veapons. The very thought of it makes me… giddy.” – Von Blitzschlag on Armory’s weapon
Rating: 4 out of 5 female versions of Thor.
The Immortal Iron Fist #4: Two Iron Fists running around kicking Hydra ass + One evil anti-Iron Fist getting ready to kick the non-evil Iron Fists’ collective ass = Hell yeah!
Things get more fun as Orson Randall teaches Danny Rand different ways to use the Shou-Lao chi, including Gun Fu. Also, Crane Mother gives out her hot daughters to evil dudes for them to use as they see fit. I wanna be an evil dude.
Awesome line: “Great, Orson. So you learned your kung fu from Lei Kung and Smith & Wesson?” – Danny Rand not realizing the pure awesomeness of Orson Randall’s Gun Fu
Rating: 5 out of 5 hot Asian girls who turn into cranes.
The Incredible Hulk #105: This is the explosive (pun! I’m so funny) end of to the whole Planet Hulk saga. I’m now regretting that I only got a couple of issues of this story arc. And as I understand, back issues are rare. Dammit!
After being a slave, a gladiator, a rebel, and finally a conquering king, it looks like the Hulk has finally found peace. And then the ship that brought him to Sakaar exploded, bringing doom to the whole planet. Seeing his rage makes me giggle like a school girl. He’s coming home. Boo-yah!
Awesome line: “I was the world breaker all along. I just didn’t know you were, too. Stupid humans, with your stupid shuttle. Can’t you do anything right?” – The Hulk mentally putting bullseye targets on the faces of Mr. Fantastic, Dr. Strange, Black Bolt, and Iron Man
Rating: 5 out of 5 pissed off members of Hulk’s Warbound.
Justice League of America #7: A double-sized issue with Ed Benes art: yay! The story, however, is too cheesy for my taste. Meh.
New headquarters. New attitude. New members. New League. It’s kind of funny that they’re now basing their membership on “fate”, while the new Avengers team members were handpicked. It used to be the other way around. And oh, that gatefold group shot of the new team? Perfect.
Awesome line: “You actually took a group photo?” – Green Arrow on the cheesiness of the new Justice League
Rating: 4 out of 5 Starros harassing mad scientists.
Marvel Zombies vs. Army of Darkness #2: Whoever thought of the zombie super-heroes concept should be given a year-long stay at the Playboy Mansion. This is just brilliant! I mean, come on! The Wasp eating a human ear while she’s in a shrunken state? The Black Widow stuffing her mouth with a poodle? The Blob running for dear life? Brilliant!
And who would have thought that Dazzler can be so hot? Dance for me, hot mutant disco machine! Mwreowrrr!
Awesome line: “Yummm. Tastes like chicken.” – Howard the Duck after feasting on Ash’s brains
Rating: 4 out of 5 perverted Winter Soldiers.
The New Avengers #29: OK, they said this was going to be Mighty Avengers vs. New Avengers, but this looks like Mighty Avengers vs. Dr. Strange! It’s fun to see the two Avengers groups together, though.
They also said this was also going to be New Avengers vs. freakin’ ninjas. Well, the ninjas led by Elektra just crashed through windows and posed menacingly. Pfft. And who the fuck is Ronin?!
Awesome line: “I hope your wig glue makes you impotent.” – Ms. Marvel to Iron Fist’s lawyer
Rating: 3 out of 5 Houngan Supremes from Haiti.
Punisher War Journal #6: I’ve already fallen in love with this series. Matt Fraction writes some fun stories, while Ariel Olivetti draws some kick-ass pages. I fuckin’ love this!
When was the last time you saw Frank Castle use a box full of guns against his enemies? And I don’t mean using the guns inside the box. I mean throwing a box full of guns to S.H.I.E.L.D. agents from a moving van. Awesome.
Awesome line: “We gotta steal a car. I’m going to Mexico, and I’m gonna shoot that guy in the face.” – The Punisher planning on shooting Hate Monger in the face
Rating: 5 out of 5 nazis wearing costumes that kinda look like Captain America’s.
Runaways #25: This is Joss Whedon’s first issue of Runaways, and it’s all good. I only have one geeky issue, though. The kids meet up with the Kingpin in a New York restaurant, but isn’t he supposed to be in jail? Bah.
Humor, adventure, the Punisher, a new villain, and a teen aged dude and his pet dinosaur falling off an exploding building. Good times.
Awesome line: “This isn’t a frikkin’ classroom, fat-ass.” – Chase Stein to the Kingpin
Rating: 5 out of 5 She-Hulk sightings.
She-Hulk #17: Man, Rick Burchett’s art is hit-or-miss for me. Unfortunately, I feel this issue is a miss. Good thing Dan Slott provides some fun entertainment. That nod to the Ghostbusters is fun and sweet.
I love Iron Man ever since the whole Civil War thing started, and in this issue, he has casual sex with She-Hulk. He’s now my idol. And that’s why She-Hulk’s my type of super-heroine. She also runs around in her lingerie. Anyhoo, she finally gets a hint that her cousin, He-Hulk, was thrown out of the planet. This does not bode well for Iron Man. Or… does it? Angry casual sex, here we come!
Awesome line: “Can you think of anything that’d be a bigger waste of time than a double-page establishing shot?” – two geeks whining about double-page establishing shots in comics
Rating: 4 out of 5 Nick Fury life model decoys making no sense whatsoever.
Thunderbolts #113: Man, Penance (formerly Speedball) is one fucked up dude. He walks around in an iron maiden costume, for chrissakes! But he’s nowhere as creepy as Andreas Strucker. I mean, he keeps his dead sister’s skin wrapped around the handle of his sword so he can still use their powers. Creepy.
This is one screwed up bunch of lunatics. And I love it. Except, of course, Mike Deodato’s rendition of Norman Osborn. Tommy Lee Jones’ face on the Green Goblin bothers the hell out of me!
Awesome line: “The pain helps me to think. It brings everything into focus. The pain… it’s the only time the world’s in color.” – Penance on how awesome it is to wear an iron maiden suit
Rating: 4 out of 5 fanatical Steel Spiders.
Uncanny X-Men #485: The X-Men and the Starjammers gatecrash the wedding of Vulcan and Deathbird. Prof. X gets thrown into the M’Kraan Crystal, with Darwin diving in after him. Vulcan kills D’Ken, and Vulcan assumes the role of being the ruler of the Shi’ar Imperium. This penultimate chapter of the Rise & Fall of the Shi’ar Empire saga rules!
One thing that bothers me though is that Marvel has been saying that Warpath is going to be the next Wolverine. Sure, he was oozing with coolness in the first few issues of this arc, but since then, nothing. Feh.
Awesome line: “Keep faith, Crawler… but ready yourself for steel and blasting.” – Hepzibah giving Nightscrawler a pep talk
Rating: 4 out of 5 vengeful mutie pricks.
Aaaand I’m spent.