Hop, the movie about the Easter Bunny, is full of horrors. I’m not just saying that because it was bad. It was horrific for me because of my issues with talking CG animals and my irrational fear of chicks. But before we talk about the things I hate and fear, let me tell you first why Hop is a stinker. And yes, spoilers abound.
As much as I love Russell Brand, I just hate him as a talking rabbit who is next in line to be the next Easter Bunny. Like the last Russell Brand movie I saw (Arthur), this is about a slacker who wants to follow his own path instead of taking over the family business. Except he’s a bunny and the family business is bringing candy to children all over the world every Easter.
James Marsden, who shall be known as Cyclops for the rest of this piece, is also a slacker in Hop. Basically, it’s your typical slacker-with-father-issues snorefest movie. But with talking animals.
You’d think that with two of my favorite B-listers (Elizabeth Perkins and Gary Cole) as Cyclops’ parents, that hottie Kaley Cuoco as his sister and that kid as his annoying but amusing adopted Asian sister, things would be more interesting. They were not.
I thought some Playmates would bring in some spice and sizzle into this dull plate of yawns, but all I got was Hugh Hefner’s voice and a gate with the Playboy logo.
Those Pink Beret bunnies were cute, though. I wish they had more screen time. They’re the equivalent of the awesome penguins from Madagascar. But ten times less funny.
We went through the usual “my dad wants me to be the new Easter Bunny but I just want to be a rabbit who plays the drums” drama and unnecessary appearance of the Hoff.
And then there was singing.
And then Cyclops decided to become the new Easter Bunny so he trained himself by painting a bunch of Easter eggs because we all know that’s all you need to do to become the new human Easter Bunny.
As I kept wondering why this movie was made and why I was watching it, I got to the part where my nightmares were fully realized — an army of chicks organized with mayhem, mischief and terror in their minds.
And it got worse. This is the part where I tell you about my irrational fear of young chickens. I have absolutely no idea where it came from. I don’t even know if this is a legit phobia. All I know is that the worst thing that could ever happen to me is to be attacked by an army of chicks. And I just saw it happen to Bunny Russell Brand’s bunny dad.
That was the single most horrific moment in a movie that I have ever seen. To crank up the horror, Carlos the Evil Chick (Hank Azaria) turned into a monstrous chick-bunny mutant hybrid.
And then I quit. This is one movie that I will never ever see again. NEVER. You can stop laughing at me now. I hate you all.