The 7 Stages of Heartbreak

Gino Carteciano General Dickery Leave a Comment

It’s safe to say that most of us have had our hearts broken. I’m not talking about your parents telling you that you’re a big mistake or your friend bailing out on you that one time when there was a raid in that whore house and you were too drunk to make a run for it. No, I’m talking about failed romantic relationships and brutal rejections. It’s a very confusing experience, this heartbreak. This is me breaking it down into 7 stages of heartbreak and trying to make sense of it all.

Well, since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell. It’s down at the
end of Lonely Street, at Heartbreak Hotel. *stab, stab, cut, cut*

Stage 1: Denial

Someone just broke your heart and you’re like “THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.” You keep telling yourself that this is just a hiccup in your fairy tale romance and it will pass. It’s surreal at first, but the cold hard truth will eventually find its way into your head. It’s over. The initial shock kicks in. It’s over.

Stage 2: Anger

You’re now in a constant “WTF?!” mood. Still trying to figure out what’s happening, you’re like a rabid dog who just lost its chew toy. You’re going to bark at everything. You’re going to bite everything. Your sole purpose in life right now is to write angry emails, post rage-filled Facebook status messages and Twitter updates, draw devil horns on people’s photos and kick puppies IN THE FACE. Casualties: Your friends, your family, your dog and countless innocent Internet bystanders.

Stage 3: Bargaining

You feel like a terrorist and Jack Bauer is about to interrogate you. You try to squeeze your way out of the situation. You make promises you can’t keep. Suddenly, you’re talking to your god. Maybe even gods. You’re willing to give everything and do anything for another chance. You beg. Jesus Christ, you beg. But of course, you get DENIED.

Stage 4: Depression

You post embarrassing blog entries. You quote songs, poems and movies. You get a haircut. You stop talking to people. You go home immediately after school or work to curl up in a ball, eat ice cream and cry in the shower while “All By Myself” plays in the background. You drag yourself out of bed each morning and you can’t wait to sleep at night. You want to sleep forever. It gets pretty ugly.

I just want to sleep forever, you guys. /wrist

This is where things get really sad. Most people would go back to Stage 1 and repeat the whole process over and over and over until one of these 3 things happen:

  1. You fall out of love and realize that they’re not worth it.
  2. You come to terms with the fact that it’s never going to work out and it’s time to move on to the next stage.
  3. You die.

Stage 5: Acceptance

If you manage to get out of the Stages 1-4 Loop, you finally accept your fate. You realize that there’s nothing wrong in giving up on something that’s already starting to be destructive.  It’s OK to quit. You’d still be legit. You fought for your feelings and you lost. All is fair in Love and War. It’s time to start the healing process. WITH BEER.

Stage 6: Beer

This is sort of an extension of Stage 5. You’ve made peace with your broken heart but you’re still wondering if you should give it one last try. You consider this possibility but you’ll eventually decide against it. Yku just go on and wash away all the negativity of the whole experience and you celebrate the good times of old. You opened your heart and your love was true. You got hurt but it’s time to move on.

For people who don’t drink (what’s up with that?), well, there’s always food.

Stage 7: PARTY!

At this point, your heartbreak is history. You’re now ready to get back in the game with a new haircut and a revitalized soul. You’re looking forward to finding paradise once more and you’re hoping that you wouldn’t have to go through Heartbreak Hell all over again.

But of course, you will.