Pick-up lines, even the funniest and most charming ones, never worked for me. Must be my creepy aura. Anyhoo, I’m wondering what superhero pick up lines are these super creeps using to get some. Here’s what my perfectly normal and totally not perverse mind came up with:
Mr. Fantastic, Stretchy Leader of the Fantastic Four
Being single for the past 3 years, I know a lot about the whole experience of spending Valentine’s Day alone. I know some of you would say that on Valentine’s Day, love between lovers is not the only kind of love we can celebrate. We can celebrate the love we have for friends and family. WRONG. We all know only bitter single people say that. Valentine’s Day is about the passion and the romance shared between two people. For those of us who are single, it’s a jarring reminder that we are, indeed, single.
We usually spend this day locking ourselves up in our cold and dark rooms or crying in the shower while eating fried chicken. This year, let’s mix it up a little. Let’s go on the Internet and wallow in self-pity there. As a trained professional expert in being single, it is my duty to inform you of your options for celebrating Valentine’s Day online.
Must be 18-30 years old and female. Preferably single. And hot.
Must be willing to be called “Sweetheart” while sharing a story book romance with a dick like me.
I want your love and I want your revenge. You and me could write a Baddie romance.
Must be aware that “shits” and “stuffs” are not the plural forms of “shit” and “stuff”, respectively.
Must be able to look past my unpleasant exterior, as well as my pungent aroma.
Must understand and accept the fact that I am not a dog person. I like cats, though. Because they’re hilarious.
Must be comfortable with awkward silences because, believe me, there will be a lot of that. I am the master of awkward silences. THE MASTER!
It’s normal during this time of year to look for love anywhere we think we can find it. Whether it’s the usual places where tired hearts thread or the strangest places where the quirkiest minds convene. In my case, it’s both.
I went to the last couple of nights of the UPLB Feb Fair and I looked for love. Like always, I found it all around me.
I looked upon lovers and the glimmer in their eyes as they celebrated Valentine’s Day in each other’s arms. The most common way to find love.
I looked upon old friends. I realized that I still have a lot of those. I met new friends too. Someday I hope to look upon them with as much glee as I have upon seeing my old ones. I may have met future lovers as well, but it’s too early to tell. How exciting.
I looked upon the old places I used to frequent. Campus buildings, restaurants, bars, apartments, parking lots, roads, patches of grass, and dark corners. All reminded me of how I loved staying in the university and how I love coming back to visit.
It’s the big V-Day, the end of our Valentine’s Week. I decided to do another double take, and this time, it’s an evil double take.
And here’s the variant, something a little less retarded than the other BaddiE-CARDS I published this week: