Last month, I didn’t write anything for this blog. This is very unusual because I write about anything that remotely registers as “interesting” in my life and last month was more than remotely interesting. You see, in March of 2011, I fell in love with a girl. (Yes, this is one of those sappy entries. Get out now while you still can.) She had me in her thrall SO HARD that nothing else seemed to matter — including blogging. One minute, I’m stalking her online and the next, I find myself in complete surrender. Maggie. That’s her name. Maggie the Marvelous Monarch of Mischief and Moxie.

I’d like to believe that I’m good with words. Sometimes, I even believe that I’m smarter and more witty than your average Internet person. OK, I always believe that. Because I’m a douche. In my mind, I am awesome and charming and intelligent and funny and I can never find my equal. I feel unstoppable. And then I met Maggie and I was stumped. Here is a girl who is able to outsmart me at every turn. She outwits me every time I think I am the wittiest of the witty. She charms the shit out of me and I am helpless. As God is my witness, she actually makes me think before I say anything. I never do that! She is one sneaky lady, that Maggie. I hate her.

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I know. That title is an easy target for Pedo Michael jokes, but you need to know that I’m serious and I will not make Michael Jackson jokes in this post. I’m writing this with the motto “Say only good things about the recently dead.” or something. This is about my early childhood memories of the King of Pop. I may not be his biggest fan, but I know that in my younger years, he touched me. Yes, Michael Jackson touched me when I was still a little boy.

MJ touched Bubbles the Chimp and Mr. Bulldog (not real name) too.

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Well, not really. Some of my plurks were total lies. Some of them were half truths. Some were parodies of some plurkers. Some, satirical jabs at people who live in ivory Plurk towers. Hey, I already plurked them for you. You sort them out.

#1. Totally depressed last night. A few steps from being suicidal. So I paid someone to have sex with me.

#2. I accidentally ran over a kitten this morning. :( And a puppy. And a frog. And a rat. And a blind homeless guy.

#3. I’m BATMAN.

#4. I can’t wait for the Dragonball movie! (woot)

#5. You Plurk people are dumb. I’m moving back to Twitter where I can use hashtags and be important and stuff.

#6. Since it’s the first of the month, it’s just appropriate to make big changes in my life. I shall now quit smoking. This time, it’s FOREVER!

#7. I only listen to the Beatles, Bob Dylan, Bob Marley, Jimi Hendrix and new totally obscure bands. Because I’m better than you.

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