Must be 18-30 years old and female. Preferably single. And hot.

Must be willing to be called “Sweetheart” while sharing a story book romance with a dick like me.

I want your love and I want your revenge. You and me could write a Baddie romance.

Must be aware that “shits” and “stuffs” are not the plural forms of “shit” and “stuff”, respectively.

Must be able to look past my unpleasant exterior, as well as my pungent aroma.

Must understand and accept the fact that I am not a dog person. I like cats, though. Because they’re hilarious.

Must be comfortable with awkward silences because, believe me, there will be a lot of that. I am the master of awkward silences. THE MASTER!

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It’s February and you all know what that means, right? It’s Love Month! I’m going to talk about love, romance and relationships all month and you can’t do anything to stop me! I shall start to bring the pain with this blog post about the cosmic torturer of men, the Ideal Girl. We guys have different visions of our Ideal Girls. Here’s mine:

She should be intelligent and smart. She should be able to engage me in conversations ranging from academic mumbo jumbo to dumb talk about shit. Literal shit.

She should have a sense of humor. She should be able to laugh at my jokes whether they’re complex and sophisticated, or shallow and stupid.

She should be able to hang with my interests no matter how strange they are. She should have no problem with my unhealthy obsession with pro wrestling and comic books. Also, beer.

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