“Scorched earth”. Destroying anything that might be useful to the enemy. The elimination of the enemy’s resources and possibly even one’s own. In my case, it’s the latter.
The enemy is Depression. I usually fall into a deep, dark, and lonely hole at least once a year. Usually weeks before my birthday, and I don’t know why. This year, it came several weeks late.
After recent bouts with feelings of abandonment, betrayal, alienation, neglect, loneliness, and “My life has no direction and I’m thirsty for beer!”, Depression finally kicked in. And I believe seeing Click on HBO may have been the catalyst for the other shoe to drop.
I guess we can all agree that this song is far from being brilliant, but hey, it does echo my sentiments when I was still in the call center industry. I don’t know about other call center agents (representatives, specialists, whatever), but I saw a call center job as a temporary thing. An oasis in the job hunting desert of the Philippines. An oasis I gladly left approximately one year ago.
Sometimes, I want to do nothing. Even when I’m doing something, I want to be suspended in that moment. Frozen in time. Trapped in an infinite loop of safety and comfort.
Sometimes I just want to lay in bed and close my eyes. Think of nothing. Ignore the noise. Welcome the random colors and flashes within the darkness. Oblivion.
Sometimes I just want to drive in an infinite loop on the highway to nowhere. And when I’m ready, I’d turn right to the road to somewhere. Moving endlessly. Shooting through faceless streets and empty moving cars.
I just want to drown in nothing.
Sometimes, I want to do everything. Even when I’m doing nothing, I want to be everywhere at once. Talking to strangers. Rediscovering friends. Engulfed in the chaos of the unknown.
Sometimes I just want go somewhere new. Somewhere strange. Somewhere frightening. A journey around the world then towards the nearest wormhole. A journey inside myself.
Sometimes, I want to do nothing. Even when I’m doing something, I want to be suspended in that moment. Frozen in time. Trapped in an infinite loop of safety and comfort.
