Must be 18-30 years old and female. Preferably single. And hot.

Must be willing to be called “Sweetheart” while sharing a story book romance with a dick like me.

I want your love and I want your revenge. You and me could write a Baddie romance.

Must be aware that “shits” and “stuffs” are not the plural forms of “shit” and “stuff”, respectively.

Must be able to look past my unpleasant exterior, as well as my pungent aroma.

Must understand and accept the fact that I am not a dog person. I like cats, though. Because they’re hilarious.

Must be comfortable with awkward silences because, believe me, there will be a lot of that. I am the master of awkward silences. THE MASTER!

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Must be between 18-30 years old. Male or female, but preferably female. Who is hot. And single.

Must be capable of drinking alcoholic beverages on a school/work night. I hear one “But it’s only Monday!” from you and you get a slap on the mouth!

Must be willing to drink a lot of beer. None of those colorful pussy drinks with tiny umbrellas. Pass out after two bottles of beer and I’ll leave you for dead.

Must be physically strong. Just in case I need someone to drag me to my car so I can drive home drunk.

Must be capable of striking stupid poses with me for photos that we will probably regret posing for the next day. Like so:

SUPERDOUCHEBAGS.

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