One Sentence Spoilers for Ten Movies
I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately and save for a few mentions on my Tumblr blog, I haven’t really talked about them. I’m thinking of writing Stubby Movie Reviews on the 10 films I recently saw but that sounds like a lot of work. So I’m just going to spoil each of them for you with a sentence and a random screen cap. You know, just because.
The Book of Eli
Mah Boy Denzel, who turns out to be blind, and Mila Kunis protect a copy of the Bible from Gary Oldman and his goons in a post-apocalyptic world, but they fail, which doesn’t mean a thing because Mah Boy Denzel has the entire book memorized and he eventually reaches Alcatraz, which is now a giant library, where the Bible is republished before Mah Boy Denzel dies.
Jack Bauer Lite: Hardcore on the Highway
Previously on Jack Bauer Lite: Jack Baddier totally freaked out when he heard animals making animal sounds. What an idiot.
Jack Baddier: What a nice morning. Perfect for driving, smoking, dicking around with the CD player and talking to someone on the phone, all at the same time. Isn’t that right, Chloe?
Chloe: Hang up now! I need you to be alive and in our super secret office early! No later than 9 AM.
JB: Why? What happens at 9 AM?
C: The whole ground floor will be blasted with the Airborne Cancer Nano-Virus we invented.
JB: WHAT THE–?! WHY?!
C: Super secret beta testing.
Jack Bauer Lite
Hi. My name is Gino, code name: Jack Baddier. I’m here in my room, waiting for the Sandman to put me to sleep. By the way, I’m not talking about the mythical creature. Sandman is the codename of one of my fellow agents in a top secret government organization. He’s going to inject me with a serum that will induce sleep. After weeks of not getting enough rest, I can finally lay down on my bed and sleep fo… what the fuck?! Now why the hell is that dog barking?! Dammit. But before I find that out, I need to know first which of our half dozen stupid dogs is barking.
