My current TV watching habits are limited to news programs and Discovery Travel & Living, which is now known as TLC. So forgive me if I don’t care much about most of the results of the recently concluded Primetime Emmy Awards. However, I did find some moments of the show very amusing.
Born to ROCK.
That opening skit was definitely the highlight of the show. You got Fallon, Fey, Lynch, Hamm, the Glee kids, that chick from the Vampire Diaries and Hurley singing and dancing and letting everyone know that it’s not going to be the same old dull awards show from years past. It just set the tone for the rest of the night. Well, at least for the entire Comedy section of the awards.
Previously on Jack Bauer Lite: Jack Baddier totally freaked out when he heard animals making animal sounds. What an idiot.
Jack Baddier: What a nice morning. Perfect for driving, smoking, dicking around with the CD player and talking to someone on the phone, all at the same time. Isn’t that right, Chloe?
Chloe: Hang up now! I need you to be alive and in our super secret office early! No later than 9 AM.
JB: Why? What happens at 9 AM?
C: The whole ground floor will be blasted with the Airborne Cancer Nano-Virus we invented.
JB: WHAT THE–?! WHY?!
C: Super secret beta testing.
Gretchen: That is so fetch!
Regina: Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It’s not going to happen!
Gretchen, Regina’s right hand bitch, tried to make “So fetch!” happen. She really did. But alas, it did not. Queen bee Regina’s antagonism didn’t help. But what if it did happen? This being Mean Girls Week, I feel that it’s my duty as a responsible blogger to ask and explore the question “What if So fetch! happened?”
Hi. My name is Gino, code name: Jack Baddier. I’m here in my room, waiting for the Sandman to put me to sleep. By the way, I’m not talking about the mythical creature. Sandman is the codename of one of my fellow agents in a top secret government organization. He’s going to inject me with a serum that will induce sleep. After weeks of not getting enough rest, I can finally lay down on my bed and sleep fo… what the fuck?! Now why the hell is that dog barking?! Dammit. But before I find that out, I need to know first which of our half dozen stupid dogs is barking.
Mysterious Benefactor: Good morning, Mr. Bauer.
Jack Bauer: Who are you? Why am I here? Who are you working for? And why are you speaking to me through a speaker?
MB: Direct to the point. I like that. I work for no one. Who I am and why I’m not speaking to you in person aren’t really relevant questions at this time. Why you’re here, that’s the important question. See, a global threat has just arisen, and I need you to lead my team to end this threat.
JB: What threat? What team? And why me?
MB: Ever heard of this thing called a “declarative sentence”? Anyway, this global threat I speak of threatens life as we know it. He is pure and unadulterated evil. He is the most sinister being I have ever seen. If I know any better, I’d say he’s the Devil himself. If you would kindly direct your attention to the screen in front of you, let me show you the face of evil: