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BOSTON, Massachusetts (CNN) — Authorities have arrested two men in connection with electronic light boards depicting a middle-finger-waving moon man that triggered repeated bomb scares around Boston on Wednesday, January 31st, and prompted the closure of bridges and a stretch of the Charles River. Meanwhile, police and prosecutors vented their anger at Turner Broadcasting Inc., the parent company of CNN, which said the battery-operated light boards were aimed at promoting the late-night Adult Swim cartoon “Aqua Teen Hunger Force.”

How about that. An innocent and creative attempt to promote an innocent and retarded cartoon sent hundreds of people in a collective panic attack, and cost a city hundreds of thousands of dollars. But everything’s okay now. Arrests were made. The truth about those devices with a “sinister appearance” have been revealed. We should all move on with our lives, right? Wrong! This isn’t just a simple hoax. This is a warning disguised as a hoax, masterminded by the most sinister beings ever. Yes, fellow Earthlings, this heralds the impending arrival of the Mooninites! Invasion is imminent! They will rock our collective Earthly face!

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Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who watches the watchmen? Who guards the guardians? Who polices the police? Hello Kitty, that’s who!

From BBC News:

Police chiefs in the Thai capital, Bangkok, have come up with a new way of punishing officers who break the rules - an eye-catching Hello Kitty armband.

The armband is large, bright pink and has a Hello Kitty motif with two hearts embroidered on it.

From today, officers who are late, park in the wrong place or commit other minor transgressions will have to wear it for several days.

Through the power of telepathy, I managed to conduct a profound interview with one of the first officers who were reprimanded using this dastardly tool of discipline:

Baddie: How does it feel to be shamed by this sinister armband? Do you realize that you look like a gay?

Thai Cop: I don’t really see why… wait. A gay? NOOOOOOOO!!!! (translated from Thailanese)

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Human law is supreme. Nobody can escape it. Not even *drum roll* GOD! Behold! The power of the almighty state constitution of Nebraska!

From Wired:

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers (D - Omaha) filed suit against God Friday, asking a court to order the Almighty and his followers to stop making terrorist threats.

The suit (.pdf), filed in a Nebraska district court, contends that God, along with his followers of all persuasions, “has made and continues to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons.” Those threats are credible given God’s history, Chambers’ complaint says.

Chambers, in a fit of alliteration, also accuses God of causing “fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects, and the like.”

As an aspiring mild-mannered reporter, I wanted to get the story from the defendant’s point-of-view. Unfortunately, God cannot be reached for comments (He never does listen to my prayers. Feh.), so I went to the next best source of divine information: Jesus Christ.

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You know what you shouldn’t mix? Wine and the Dark Side.

From Yahoo! News:

HOLYHEAD, Wales - A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a garbage bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of a group calling itself the Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones — aka Master Jonba Hehol — with a metal crutch, hitting him on the head, prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates’ Court.

He also whacked Jones’ 18-year-old cousin, Michael Jones — known as Master Mormi Hehol — bruising his thigh in the March 25 incident, prosecutors said.

I, Baddie, your shining Beacon of Truth, spoke with Lord Vader to get his side of the story:

Baddie: Lord Vader, what prompted you to attack those innocent Jedi freaks?

Darth Vader: My undying hatred for nerds! And inebriation.

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With our planet’s health in dire straits, we need to do everything we can to protect and save the environment. We currently have a lot of ways to do this herculean task, and there will always be room for more. Enter: Australian SCIENCE! guy, Dr. George Wilson.

From BBC News:

The methane gas produced by sheep and cows through belching and flatulence is more potent than carbon dioxide in the damage it can cause to the environment.

But kangaroos produce virtually no methane because their digestive systems are different. Dr. George Wilson, of the Australian Wildlife Services, urges farming them.

He says they have a different set of micro-organisms in their guts to cows and sheep.

Sheep and cattle account for 11% of Australia’s carbon footprint and over the years, there have been various proposals to deal with the problem.

Now Dr. Wilson believes kangaroos might hold the answer.

He said: “It tastes excellent, not unlike venison - only a different flavour.”

Practically saying “YOU MARSUPIAL FUCKERS ARE SCREWED!”, Dr. Wilson’s words of SCIENCE! has sent shockwaves throughout the Australian fauna. I, Baddie, your shining Beacon of Truth, went Down Under to get the pulse of future double bacon cheeseburgers. I talked to a family of kangaroos that, strangely, can talk after I saved them from a pack of hungry, hungry dingos (because I’m awesome).

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