If you’ve read Fantastic Four #587, then you already know that Johnny Storm, the Human Torch, has been snuffed out. If you haven’t, sorry for the spoiler? It was an emotional end for Mr. Storm, prompting me to adapt Elton John’s Candle in the Wind for this sad turn of events. Of course, we all know he’ll back because, you know, comics. But for now, let’s just pretend that he really is dead. Let’s take a few minutes remembering the wacky life of the Fantastic Four’s resident hothead.
Johnny Storm was a great brother to his totally hot sister, the Invisible Woman. He was also a great uncle to the Invisible Woman’s children, Franklin and Valeria. To his brother-in-law, Mr. Fantastic, and the Thing, well, he was pretty much a dick. But he was a loving and caring dick. No matter how selfish he was at times, he was always there for his family. And sometimes, his girlfriends.
He was always popular with the ladies, always hitting on models, celebrities and Inhumans like his ex-girlfriend Crystal. I bet he hit on Crystal’s sister, Medusa, too. He even pursued a relationship with Ben Grimm’s girl, Alicia Masters. They got married while the Thing was trapped in another planet. That was a douche move on Johnny’s part, but not really. See, Alicia wasn’t really Alicia. She was a shapeshifting alien named Lyja.
Never a dull moment when Lyja is around. She married Johnny to sabotage the Fantastic Four, and then she joined them, and then she died, and then she came back to kick Johnny’s ass during the recent Secret Invasion clusterfuck. It’s interesting to note that the last time we saw Lyja, she was trapped in the Negative Zone, the same place where Johnny made his last stand. DUN DUN DUNNN.
Johnny Storm was not just a superhero/explorer, he was also a firefighter and the Fantastic Four’s chief financial officer. At one time, he was also a herald of Galactus, one of the Fantastic Four’s greatest foes. That was awkward. It didn’t last long because he hid planets from Galactus, which is a sucky way to do your job if your boss is the Devourer of Worlds. Maybe it had something to do with Johnny’s ex-girlfriend, Frankie Raye, becoming a herald on Johnny’s watch and subsequently dying on the job. Again, awkward. You know what else is awkward? That one time when Johnny had no pants while he was in a swimming pool surrounded by children.
Inappropriate moments aside, Johnny Storm lived a life of heroism. He was a hero to so many people, including his fantastic family. We will miss you, Human Torch. We will always remember your last stand against an army of insect creatures from another dimension and how you made the Thing cry. Your flame will always live on in our hearts. Rest in peace, bro.