Greetings, readers of this Internet journal! I, Lord Bigus Baddiesworth IV, once again welcome you to this little web log series called Quickie Histoy Lessons! Today is the 12th of June, 2009 and it is the 111th year of Philippine Independence. “Independence from what?” you might ask. Well, dear intrepid web log visitor, do I have a short story for you.
It all began in an archipelago in Southeast Asia where kingdoms and small communities thrived, untouched by the Western world. These independent kingdoms were magnificent, maintaining complex social and political orders and trade relationships with neighboring nations. UNTIL THE WESTERN HANDS OF SATAN REACHED OUT FROM ACROSS THE SEAS.
With the arrival of Miguel Lopez “M-Lo to the de-L” de Legazpi‘s expedition in 1565, the archipelago’s adolescent years began. Spain colonized the islands, eventually unifying the kingdoms into one super Spanish civilization called… wait for it… THE PHILIPPINES. Trade and agriculture flourished. Institutions like schools, universities and hospitals were established. Jesus was introduced to the locals. For more than 300 years, The Philippines was cultured and groomed by Spain. Magnificent progress was imminent. It was glorious! Then the Filipinos were all like FUCK IT, WE CAN DO THIS SHIT ON OUR OWN!
In 1896, the Philippine Revolution began. The Filipino nation’s fight for freedom lasted for 2 years, culminating in the Philippine Declaration of Independence on the 12th of June, 1898. The Philippine Republic was established with Gen. Emilio “Flat Top” Aguinaldo on the helm and the Filipinos lived happily ever after. YAY!
Emilio Aguinaldo: This is his “YAY!” face.
No, wait. They didn’t. Turns out Spain turned over The Philippines to the United States at the conclusion of the Spanish-American War. Naturally, the Filipinos were like “GODDFUCKENDAMMIT, LET’S GO TO WAR!” And in 1899, they did. But the Americans were like “Oh STFU.” The US won the 3-year war . Seven years after getting rid of the Spanish Menace, the Philippines was once again a colony of another Western nation. Somewhere down the road, the US prepared the Philippines for full independence. Finally! Real freedom! And then Japan invaded The Philippines in WWII. And this is getting depressing so let’s stop the story here.
The point of this little history lesson is that The Philippines isn’t really celebrating independence or the birth of a republic on the 12th of June every year. After all, the nation didn’t really achieve real independence until after two more takeovers. On this day, Filipinos celebrate the fire of patriotism that was lit in their big brown hearts on that fateful day in June 1898. The fire that hopefully still burns to this very day. But then again, it is just I, Lord Bigus Baddiesworth IV, Historian-in-Training, talking. This country’s history is so fucked up, it is completely acceptable for people to have different interpretations of things.
Happy Independence Day, Philippines!