August 24, 2006. The nine planets became eight. Yes, Pluto, the most distant planet from the Sun, was kicked out of the planetary club, with other members being Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune. Pluto is now considered a “dwarf planet”. Planetary discrimination, anyone? Anyway, the resolution for a new definition of a planet by the International Astronomical Union (or N.A.M.B.L.A.), which effectively kicked out Pluto from our solar system’s planetary club, clearly hurt Pluto’s feelings. What do the other planets say about this expulsion?
Mercury: Well, we were never really that close. We’re actually the two members who are the most distant to each other, so I don’t give a rat’s butt.
Venus: It’s, like, so sad, you know? To lose, like, someone who’s been there for you for a long time? He’s like a younger brother to me and Earth, you know? Of course, a younger brother is always a loser. I mean, come on. His name was given to him by a young girl named Venetia. Venetia! Like, whatever.
Earth: Pluto sucks. I’ve got the International Astronomical Union (or N.A.M.B.L.A.), and he has methane gas. What a loser. My moon can kick his 3 moons’ collective ass!
Mars: What Earth said, beeyotch. And about the part about moons? I’ve got two. They can go tag team wrestling on Pluto’s ass! Plus, they call me “The Red Planet”. They call Pluto “Mickey’s stupid dog”. Pfft.
Jupiter: Dude. My Great Red Spot is bigger than Earth. How am I supposed to notice that there are 9 of us? Lame.
Saturn: There are 9 of us?! WTF?!
Uranus: Well, I’d rather get out of this stupid planetary club crap than to keep this stupid name. I’m the freakin’ butt of every planet-related joke! Look! I even made a joke about myself! “Venetia” is sounding really good right now.
Neptune: I’ll miss the little guy. It’ll make me more blue. *snicker*
And what does Pluto say about this?
Pluto: You’re all full of gas and fickle scientists!!! Fuck you guys, I’m going home!
The Sun just shrugs and revels in the fact that these nine idiots’ lives revolve around him.
Sun: Frickin’ idiots.