I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately and save for a few mentions on my Tumblr blog, I haven’t really talked about them. I’m thinking of writing Stubby Movie Reviews on the 10 films I recently saw but that sounds like a lot of work. So I’m just going to spoil each of them for you with a sentence and a random screen cap. You know, just because.
The Book of Eli
Mah Boy Denzel, who turns out to be blind, and Mila Kunis protect a copy of the Bible from Gary Oldman and his goons in a post-apocalyptic world, but they fail, which doesn’t mean a thing because Mah Boy Denzel has the entire book memorized and he eventually reaches Alcatraz, which is now a giant library, where the Bible is republished before Mah Boy Denzel dies.
A psycho bitch crushes on a MILF and shows it the best way she can: by having sex with the MILF’s husband in her mind and having real sex with the MILF’s son and the MILF herself.
Clash of the Titans
A demigod dude seeks revenge on Hades, Lord of the Underworld, so he fights giant scorpions, a snake monster chick and THE GODDAMN KRAKEN with a bunch of his pals who all die horrible deaths, and eventually, he confronts and defeats Hades by throwing a shiny lightning-powered sword IN HIS FACE.
Hot Tub Time Machine
A group of friends travel back in time to the 80’s by getting drunk and high in a hot tub time machine which breaks down and gets fixed by Chevy Chase, making it possible for all of them, except one, to go back to the present and screw up the entire space-time continuum.
A call center agent leads a group of Giant Insect Apocalypse survivors in storming the giant insects’ lair, killing the giant insect queen by blowing her up, and waking up the rest of humanity currently trapped in individual giant insect cocoons.
Someone’s Knocking at the Door
A group of med students get totally high with lethal illegal drugs, giving them psychedelic nightmares where a couple of dead serial rapists rape them all to death.
When in Rome
Veronica Mars picks a fight with the goddess Venus and steals her stupid love coins from her stupid love fountain, causing all kinds of mayhem and breaking 5 men’s fragile hearts, which is quite a natural thing for women to do.
Wild Things: Foursome
A dude and three hot chicks engage in a hot and steamy foursome to celebrate their dickery most sinister, and then a lot of backstabbing shenanigans happen where most of the main characters die, including Superman’s dad, leaving one of the foursome chicks, who we barely see in the movie, and the fat PA, the true mastermind of it all, extremely rich and free to make out on the beach.
An actor dude comes back home to mourn the death of his brother only to end up flirting with said brother’s girlfriend, turning into a frickin’ werewolf, and finding out that his father is also a frickin’ werewolf, who he fights to the death because, really, the old man is a douche.
Youth in Revolt
Michael Cera gets devirginized for the bajirrionth time.