Greetings, peons! It is I, Dr. Victor Von Doom, welcoming you again to this magnificent series where Doom lectures you simpletons on different comic book characters as only Doom can. Let it be known that all you shall read in this “blog post” is the truth, because although Doom is capable of anything, Doom does not lie!
For this second installment of Know Your Comic Book Characters with Dr. Doom, Doom shall introduce you to one of Galactus’ heralds, the “Sentinel of the Spaceways”, the noble and shiny Silver Surfer!
As a young astronomer in the peaceful planet Zenn-La, Norrin Radd dreamed of adventure and exploration. The young fool got his wish when Galactus, the “Devourer of Worlds”, threatened to turn Zenn-La into a cosmic sandwich. Radd bargained for the safety of his planet and his lover, Shalla-Bal, in return for his service as Galactus’ herald. Thus was born the Silver Surfer! Doom would have found a better way to stop Galactus’ threat if Doom were Radd. Bargaining is for lesser men, never for Doom!
Galactus bestowed upon Radd a portion of the Power Cosmic, which Doom successfully stole from the Surfer at one time. Doom lost this unimaginable power by Doom’s own folly, for Doom can only be defeated by Doom! Doom thinks that Galactus made a mistake in imbuing such power into a pathetic being. Doom once saw the Surfer being harassed by a duck. A duck!
Nevertheless, the Surfer wielded this power in an acceptable manner as he began to seek out uninhabited planets for his master to feed on. As these lifeless worlds started to become hard to find, Galactus began to tamper with the Surfer’s conscience, causing him to bring Galactus to Earth, Doom’s world. The fool!
The Surfer eventually regained his noble spirit with the help of the accursed Fantastic Four, and together, they repelled the threat of Galactus. That is a good thing because if Galactus stayed longer, he would have invoked the wrath of Doom, and that is something that should not be invited into one’s life! Unfortunately for the Surfer, the victory came with a price: his imprisonment on Doom’s planet by his former master. Doom and the rest of the pathetic inhabitants of Earth marveled at the sight of this shiny spaceman and his rad surfboard. It was a sight to behold, much like Doom’s magnificence and unlike Reed Richards’ grotesque appearance.
After some time, the Surfer found a way to escape Doom’s planet by saving the life of Galactus’ new herald, Nova. Free at last, the Surfer encountered different menaces while roaming in space. During these adventures, some information about his past were revealed. His mother slashed her wrists and his father shot himself. Doom wonders if the Surfer’s parents killed themselves because they foresaw the disappointment their astronomer son would turn out to be. Serves them right for producing such a subservient weakling of a son. Feh.
When the Surfer decided to return to Zenn-La, he discovered that it no longer exists. This unfortunate truth caused the Surfer to wander the spaceways until eventually, he became Galactus’ herald once again.
The Silver Surfer, although one of the most powerful beings in the known universe, has an utmost respect for all lifeforms. Even though Doom sees this as a sign of weakness, Doom still gives a hint of respect to the Surfer for his benevolence. And although Doom spits on the Surfer’s subservience, Doom sees some use for it. There was this one time when Doom celebrated Doom’s Day, a Latverian holiday that is celebrated every time Doom decrees it, and Doom commanded the Surfer to coerce his master to incinerate Reed Richards and the rest of the Fantastic Fools. Good times.