Greetings, peons! I, Victor Von Doom, welcome you to this first installment of this grand series Doom would like to call Know Your Comic Book Characters with Dr. Doom. Although Doom finds this thing you call “blogging” pitiful, Doom sees that it is essential for you lowlifes to be acquainted with your comic book characters. Why? Because Doom decrees it to be essential, that’s why! For this inaugural edition of this wondrous series, Doom shall talk about that pesky wall-crawler, the so-called “amazing” Spider-Man.
His real name is Peter Benjamin Parker. He was raised by his uncle, Benjamin Parker, and his aunt, May Reilly-Parker. Doom could talk about young Parker’s scientific genius and brilliance, but Doom finds it boring. Yes, only Doom was a non-boring smart young person and no one else! Especially that accursed Reed Richards! Doom hates him. Doom hates all!
The only thing that interests Doom about Parker’s early years is the fact that he was often bullied, to which Doom nods in agreement. All nerds should be bullied, especially if your name is “Reed Richards”! So says Doom! In addition to this entertaining fact, Parker’s scientific curiosity led him to an accident involving radioactive isotopes and a spider. He was bitten by this radiation-bathed spider, and thus was born Spider-Man. Doom laughs at this folly! Doom laughs out loud!
There was no ounce of heroism in Parker’s body. He only wanted fame and fortune, a characteristic Doom admires. For fame and fortune eventually leads to power, and no soul understands the beauty of power better than Doom! Parker eventually realized that with great power must come great responsibility after his Uncle Ben was killed by a petty thief he didn’t bother to stop. Doom hates petty thieves. Feh.
Parker went on to fight crime that usually involves animal-themed villains like Dr. Octopus, the Vulture, and Rhino. Pathetic. While fighting these colorfully-costumed idiots, Parker made a living out of being a freelance photographer for the Daily Bugle, where he was constantly plagued by the ramblings of J. Jonah Jameson. Doom hates loudmouths. Although Spider-Man tussled with a lot of villainous morons, none was as dangerous as the Green Goblin. This pathetic villain caused a lot of problems and heartbreaks for Parker, the greatest of which was the death of Gwen Stacy, then the love of his life. Doom would never let anything happen to Doom’s loved ones, that’s why Doom went to Hell and outsmarted the Devil himself to rescue Doom’s mother. Doom rules!
Parker eventually found another love interest in the person of Mary Jane Watson, who Doom thinks is totally hot.
They eventually got married and faced the miserable life of a down-on-their-luck couple living in New York City while constantly being threatened by Spider-Man’s enemies. Doom does not envy their pathetic little lives, but Doom does admire their devotion to each other. Their love has been tested by all sorts of threats, and it did not falter. For this, Doom blesses Spider-Man with a hint of respect.
He is unlike Reed Richards who beats his wife whenever she’s visible. It is true. Doom saw it! And Doom has proof!
Parker has gone through a lot of life inconveniences, more than the average share that other costumed heroes get. He became a hero for the masses. An everyman superhuman who became endeared to the citizens of New York City. He is someone all aspiring heroes can look up to. The fools! Although he has these admirable traits, Doom still loathes him because he usually stands side-by-side with other heroes such as Reed Richards and his lackeys in the Fantastic Four. But Doom thinks there may still be hope for this tenacious wall-crawler. Doom is never wrong. Never!