Dear Countries Who Ratified the Outer Space Treaty,
Greetings of love and peace! AND RAW EVIL! I am Baddie, and I am considering taking on a life of crime. I haven’t thought of a kick-ass super-villain name yet, but I’m getting there. Anyway, I just want to know how much trouble I’ll get myself into if I violate Article IV of the Outer Space Treaty that states…
States Parties to the Treaty undertake not to place in orbit around the Earth any objects carrying nuclear weapons or any other kinds of weapons of mass destruction, install such weapons on celestial bodies, or station such weapons in outer space in any other manner.
See, I have this diabolical plan to develop something called The Insanely Intense Death Ray of Pain that I shall install on the moon’s surface. I want to know how much resistance I can expect from you guys. Don’t get any ideas, though. You can only slow me down. Eventually, I will claim the moon as my own and on it, my Insanely Intense Death Ray of Pain will rise! YOU CAN’T STOP MY VILLAINY!
Your Future Awesome Arch-Nemesis, Baddie
Dear Lunar Registry,
Kudos to you, Earth’s Leading Real Estate Agency, for your initiative to provide “a legal means for private citizens and commercial enterprises to purchase Lunar real estate, along with a realistic program for the eventual settlement and development of that property”.
You are doing a great job in ushering the Age of Human Lunar Settlement. I salute you! Pity that all of this will mean absolutely NOTHING once I, Baddie, your future overlord, take over the moon. If I were you, I’d stop this foolishness of selling selected properties on the moon for it will all soon be mine! MINE! BOHAHAHA!
The Future Emperor of Earth and Its Moon, Baddie
Dear Lunar Republic Society,
I shall forward to you the same letter I sent to the Lunar Registry. The bottom line is STOP SELLING MY FUTURE LUNAR LAND! A “Lunar Republic”? Feh. You’re wasting your time. I laugh at your Lunar Republic flag!
I LAUGH OUT LOUD! Forget your stupid flag. Pretty soon, you will sing the Lunar Anthem of Mayhem (formerly known as R.E.M.’s “Man on the Moon”) that goes a little something like this:
Mott the Hoople and the Game of Life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Andy Kaufman in the wrestling match. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Monopoly, twenty one, checkers, and chess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Mister Fred Blassie in a breakfast mess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Let’s play Twister, let’s play Risk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
See you in heaven if you make the list. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
And you will sing this anthem while saluting the Lunar Flag of Total Domination!
OK, so it’s just Algeria’s flag with two images of Cobra Commander kicking a dog. I’ll come up with something original soon! SO SAYS BADDIE!
The Embodiment of All That You Fear, Baddie
Dear People of Earth,
I know you have been asking questions recently. Questions like “Is Global Warming real?”, “What would Jesus do in case Satan shows up in our house and kidnaps our baby?”, and “Who the fuck owns the moon?”
Fear not, my fellow Earthlings. I have the answers for all your questions. First, Global Warming is real. Second, Jesus will let Al Gore handle everything. Your babies. Satan. Global Warming. Everything. Now how about the third question? Funny you should ask.
Some of you think all the people on Earth are the owners of the moon. These people think the Outer Space Treaty makes all of outer space, including the moon and other celestial bodies, the “province of mankind“. Some of you think that only a few individuals are the moon’s landlords. And some of you think that nobody owns the moon. You are all free to think whatever you want to think. Well, except for you guys in North Korea. My point is think what you want to think, but know this: You are all WRONG.
I, Baddie, your Future Supreme Celestial Sovereign, am claiming future ownership of the moon! So rejoice! The future is coming! And it is coming in the form of a seriously awesome laser blast from my Insanely Intense Death Ray of Pain! Zombies may rule the world after I use my totally rad weapon, but I will open my magnificent moon base for all the survivors so we can all wait out the zombie apocalypse. Sounds good? Awesome. Thanks for your time! Blast you soon!
Yours in pain and suffering,
The Saint of All That Is Sinister, Baddie