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Dear Countries Who Ratified the Outer Space Treaty,

Greetings of love and peace! AND RAW EVIL! I am Baddie, and I am considering taking on a life of crime. I haven’t thought of a kick-ass super-villain name yet, but I’m getting there. Anyway, I just want to know how much trouble I’ll get myself into if I violate Article IV of the Outer Space Treaty that states…

States Parties to the Treaty undertake not to place in orbit around the Earth any objects carrying nuclear weapons or any other kinds of weapons of mass destruction, install such weapons on celestial bodies, or station such weapons in outer space in any other manner.

See, I have this diabolical plan to develop something called The Insanely Intense Death Ray of Pain that I shall install on the moon’s surface. I want to know how much resistance I can expect from you guys. Don’t get any ideas, though. You can only slow me down. Eventually, I will claim the moon as my own and on it, my Insanely Intense Death Ray of Pain will rise! YOU CAN’T STOP MY VILLAINY!

Sincerely,
Your Future Awesome Arch-Nemesis, Baddie

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With our planet’s health in dire straits, we need to do everything we can to protect and save the environment. We currently have a lot of ways to do this herculean task, and there will always be room for more. Enter: Australian SCIENCE! guy, Dr. George Wilson.

From BBC News:

The methane gas produced by sheep and cows through belching and flatulence is more potent than carbon dioxide in the damage it can cause to the environment.

But kangaroos produce virtually no methane because their digestive systems are different. Dr. George Wilson, of the Australian Wildlife Services, urges farming them.

He says they have a different set of micro-organisms in their guts to cows and sheep.

Sheep and cattle account for 11% of Australia’s carbon footprint and over the years, there have been various proposals to deal with the problem.

Now Dr. Wilson believes kangaroos might hold the answer.

He said: “It tastes excellent, not unlike venison - only a different flavour.”

Practically saying “YOU MARSUPIAL FUCKERS ARE SCREWED!”, Dr. Wilson’s words of SCIENCE! has sent shockwaves throughout the Australian fauna. I, Baddie, your shining Beacon of Truth, went Down Under to get the pulse of future double bacon cheeseburgers. I talked to a family of kangaroos that, strangely, can talk after I saved them from a pack of hungry, hungry dingos (because I’m awesome).

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You know what you shouldn’t mix? Wine and the Dark Side.

From Yahoo! News:

HOLYHEAD, Wales - A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a garbage bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of a group calling itself the Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones — aka Master Jonba Hehol — with a metal crutch, hitting him on the head, prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates’ Court.

He also whacked Jones’ 18-year-old cousin, Michael Jones — known as Master Mormi Hehol — bruising his thigh in the March 25 incident, prosecutors said.

I, Baddie, your shining Beacon of Truth, spoke with Lord Vader to get his side of the story:

Baddie: Lord Vader, what prompted you to attack those innocent Jedi freaks?

Darth Vader: My undying hatred for nerds! And inebriation.

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So, the Vatican has introduced seven new deadly sins. Do they have a committee that decides this kind of shit or something? The Committee of Sins, perhaps? Anyway, these new deadly sins (Genetic Modification, Experimenting on Humans, Polluting the Environment, Causing Social Injustice, Causing Poverty, Becoming Obscenely Wealthy, and Taking Drugs) are more hip than the original seven, and it doesn’t sit well with the old guys.

Pride: We were the first! Why do we need another seven?! We were the stars of a Brad Pitt movie, goddammit!

Wrath: DIE, N00BS! DIE!!!

Lust: Fakers. We can totally kick their pretentious asses. Mmmm… asses. Gangbang, anyone?

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I’m don’t really care about what’s happening in the U.S. with the elections and all, but people, I’m rooting for Hillary. Yeah. You got that right. I have no idea what her platform is, but I’m rooting for her. Actually, I’m rooting for all the Hillarys of the world. All hail the Hillarys!

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