Human law is supreme. Nobody can escape it. Not even *drum roll* GOD! Behold! The power of the almighty state constitution of Nebraska!
Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers (D – Omaha) filed suit against God Friday, asking a court to order the Almighty and his followers to stop making terrorist threats.
The suit (.pdf), filed in a Nebraska district court, contends that God, along with his followers of all persuasions, “has made and continues to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons.” Those threats are credible given God’s history, Chambers’ complaint says.
Chambers, in a fit of alliteration, also accuses God of causing “fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects, and the like.”
As an aspiring mild-mannered reporter, I wanted to get the story from the defendant’s point-of-view. Unfortunately, God cannot be reached for comments (He never does listen to my prayers. Feh.), so I went to the next best source of divine information: Jesus Christ.
Baddie: Good day, Mr. Christ.
Jesus: ‘Sup? And dude, just call me “JC”, ayt?
Baddie: All right. What’s your reaction to this lawsuit filed against your father?
JC: This Chambers dude is trippin’, man. He doesn’t understand the reason for all this, know wha’ I’m sayin’?
Baddie: And what reason would that be?
JC: You’ll find out soon enough, dawg. I hook you up big time, HOLLA YA HEARD?!
Baddie: I… I see. Say, when you said “soon enough”,what exac…
JC: Hey, look at the time! I needs to be goin’, brotha. But first, I’d like to give a shout-out to my homies over there at the Vatican. ‘Sup brothas?! Easy on the hos, ayt? And yo! Yo, pops! I know you be omnipotent and shit, but I know you be bothered by all’a this so I gots some advice fo’ you: When things are going rough and you don’t know what to do, just ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” – Jesus 3:16. That’s it fo’ me, motha-effas! JC, out!
My source from within the Pearly Gates informs me that God actually knows (Duh. Dude’s omniscient.) that Senator Chambers is only doing this to prove a point, but this doesn’t mean he approves of the senator’s unorthodox ways. The Almighty promises vengeance on the good senator by way of eternal butt violation courtesy of Satan and Hitler. For now, God will just be watching Smallville reruns while eating chips. He be just chillin’.