Breaking News: Science Guy Wants Us to Eat More Kangaroos

Gino Carteciano Breaking News, General Dickery 7 Comments

With our planet’s health in dire straits, we need to do everything we can to protect and save the environment. We currently have a lot of ways to do this herculean task, and there will always be room for more. Enter: Australian SCIENCE! guy, Dr. George Wilson.

From BBC News:

The methane gas produced by sheep and cows through belching and flatulence is more potent than carbon dioxide in the damage it can cause to the environment.

But kangaroos produce virtually no methane because their digestive systems are different. Dr. George Wilson, of the Australian Wildlife Services, urges farming them.

He says they have a different set of micro-organisms in their guts to cows and sheep.

Sheep and cattle account for 11% of Australia’s carbon footprint and over the years, there have been various proposals to deal with the problem.

Now Dr. Wilson believes kangaroos might hold the answer.

He said: “It tastes excellent, not unlike venison – only a different flavour.”

Practically saying “YOU MARSUPIAL FUCKERS ARE SCREWED!”, Dr. Wilson’s words of SCIENCE! has sent shockwaves throughout the Australian fauna. I, Baddie, your shining Beacon of Truth, went Down Under to get the pulse of future double bacon cheeseburgers. I talked to a family of kangaroos that, strangely, can talk after I saved them from a pack of hungry, hungry dingos (because I’m awesome).

Baddie: What’s your name, sir?

Bauer: Me noim is Bauer, and this heah pretty creachuh is me woif, Valentoin.

Valentine: Alo, mate.

Baddie: And what about this little guy in your… um… hole…

Valentine: Pouch.

Baddie: Pouch! What about this little guy in your pouch? What’s his name?

Bauer: Oh, this heah joey is ouh li’l bloke…

Baddie: Excuse me, “joey”?

Bauer: Roight. Joey. Ouh preshas ankle boiter. Ouh sweet choild…

Baddie: Wait. So he’s your son. “Joey” means “young one”, correct?

Bauer: Roight, roight! Haha!

Baddie: So, what’s your joey’s name?

Bauer: His noim’s Joey.

Baddie: …

Bauer: Whaugh? Whaugh did I soy?

Baddie: *whispers* You deserve to be eaten, you freaks.

Bauer: Whaugh wuz thah? Didja soy somefin’?

Baddie: I said NOTHING!

After inviting the dingos back to tear the family apart, I reached the conclusion that kangaroos being mercilessly slaughtered so they can be utterly devoured isn’t really a big deal. They look mighty delicious too.

I asked a koala bear (surprisingly, he can talk too) hanging from a tree, looking cute as hell, if he thinks it’s right for humans to eat more kangaroos as a means to decrease their carbon footprint. “Yoo hoomans are a funneh. Makin’ kangaroos pai for ur own emvaronmint rape. But iz okeh. I haet kangaroos. They luk stoopet. Head liek deerz, standin’ liek hoomans, an’ jumpin’ liek frogs. Keel an’ eated them, hoomans! LOL” said the cute little koala bear. “I can has yukaliptus leaves? Plz to feed me, fank yoo!” he adds.

Clearly, there will be little to no resistance from the Australian animal community that will be met by hungry Australian humans if they heed Dr. Wilson’s call to slaughter and devour more of the hopping freaks of nature.

On a final note, Australian cows have this to say: “BLOODY HELL YEAH! ‘BOUT GODDAMN TIME, IF YOU ASK US!” *high fives each other*

I need some amber fluid.

Comments 7

  1. I tried catching a kangaroo once. For lunch. I chased the goddamn marsupial up and down five hills only to get kicked and flown three meters into a swamp.

    I bought me a burger afterwards,

    In conclusion, kangaroos don’t have fast-food takeouts, hence they suck.

  2. Pingback: Baddieverse » Blog Archive Breaking News: Senator Sues God » Baddieverse

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