BOSTON, Massachusetts (CNN) — Authorities have arrested two men in connection with electronic light boards depicting a middle-finger-waving moon man that triggered repeated bomb scares around Boston on Wednesday, January 31st, and prompted the closure of bridges and a stretch of the Charles River. Meanwhile, police and prosecutors vented their anger at Turner Broadcasting Inc., the parent company of CNN, which said the battery-operated light boards were aimed at promoting the late-night Adult Swim cartoon “Aqua Teen Hunger Force.”
How about that. An innocent and creative attempt to promote an innocent and retarded cartoon sent hundreds of people in a collective panic attack, and cost a city hundreds of thousands of dollars. But everything’s okay now. Arrests were made. The truth about those devices with a “sinister appearance” have been revealed. We should all move on with our lives, right? Wrong! This isn’t just a simple hoax. This is a warning disguised as a hoax, masterminded by the most sinister beings ever. Yes, fellow Earthlings, this heralds the impending arrival of the Mooninites! Invasion is imminent! They will rock our collective Earthly face!
I for one welcome our new Mooninite overlords. To you, our incoming masters, I pledge my allegiance. I welcome you with open arms. I know some of my fellow Earthlings will form some kind of resistance, but I am confident that you will be able to fight them off. Forgive them, for they know not what they do. I acknowledge your brilliance and your immense power. Your two-dimensional powers are so vast, our inferior three-dimensional minds will never be able to truly comprehend it. Your superior intellect and technology shall become the shining beacon of hope and peace for our inferior little blue orb.
We will smoke cigarettes and break the law, for on the moon, we have evolved beyond such things as rules and ethics, and we have phased out jobs…with our minds.
A word of caution, though. You better watch out for that Jesus guy. He’s been dead for approximately 1,974 years now, but they say he’ll come back. He may be a thorn on your side. Also, he may bring that Moses dude with him. He’ll probably hit you with his “let my people go!” schtick. Just a heads up.
All I ask from you, my two-dimensional overlords, is for you to spare my family, ten of my friends (you can pick any ten from my Friendster friends list), give me Aubrey Miles and Cindy Kurleto as my brides, incinerate the flesh from Cueshe’s bones, and kick Sam Milby in the face! Oh, and please don’t touch my comics.
For my fellow Earthizens, don’t fight the invasion. Resistance is futile. If you do resist, the Mooninites shall rock your face! Acknowledge your new digital rulers!
All hail the Mooninites!