Breaking News: Darth Vader Attacks Founders of Jedi Church

Gino Carteciano Breaking News, General Dickery 7 Comments

You know what you shouldn’t mix? Wine and the Dark Side.

From Yahoo! News:

HOLYHEAD, Wales – A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a garbage bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of a group calling itself the Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones — aka Master Jonba Hehol — with a metal crutch, hitting him on the head, prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates’ Court.

He also whacked Jones’ 18-year-old cousin, Michael Jones — known as Master Mormi Hehol — bruising his thigh in the March 25 incident, prosecutors said.

I, Baddie, your shining Beacon of Truth, spoke with Lord Vader to get his side of the story:

Baddie: Lord Vader, what prompted you to attack those innocent Jedi freaks?

Darth Vader: My undying hatred for nerds! And inebriation.

Baddie: Why hit them with a metal crutch instead of just, I don’t know, melting their heads with your Electric Fingers of Doom? You know, something Dark Side-y.

Darth Vader: You will never understand the true ways of the Dark Side if you keep asking such stupid questions, young apprentice.

Baddie: I… I am sorry, master.

Darth Vader: You have failed me for the last time. *KRRZZZAAAKKKK!!!*

Baddie: AIIIEEEEE!!!

Still suffering from 3rd degree burns, I talked to one of Lord Vader’s neighbors to get some third party insight. He claims to be a Klingon, and he says Lord Vader always turns into a major douchebag whenever he’s drunk.

“Normally, he would just shout expletives whenever he sees Jedi freak shows walking around. He never takes it to the physical level, you know? I guess the wine brought him to a darker Dark Side” said the fat Klingon before a group of frat boys kicked his ass.

I was supposed to interview Lord Vader’s other neighbors, the Cylons, but they were too busy playing Grand Theft Auto IV. Fucking nerds.

I tried to talk to the Jedi dumbasses too. But I failed to get a decent response.

“Stay away, you fiend! Stop laughing at us! We may have based our religion on a series of science fiction films, but we’re serious! We want you to take us seriously because this is now our serious way of life!” exclaimed the Jedi with huge man boobs while trying to take my head off with his light saber.

Emperor Palpatine was not available for comment.

Comments 7

  1. @Coco: Now that brings a whole new layer to the story. WHATTA SCOOP!

    @Ade: Why are you LOLing? This is a serious attempt at news reporting. I am Baddie, your shining Beacon of Truth, reporting live from the Internets!

  2. HOLY MOLY. That really happened? Oh man. Stars Wars fanatics have somewhat always freaked me out in the past, but this Darth Vader garbage bag cape of a person totally PWNS all of em.

    Last paragraph is FTW. Made me lauuggghhh!

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