catching up with pluto

Behind the Planet: Catching Up with Pluto

In General Dickery by Gino Carteciano8 Comments

Less than 2 years ago, Pluto was demoted to being a dwarf planet. I covered the reactions of the other planets after the shocking demotion. Now, it’s time that we check up on the ex-planet. It’s time for us to go Behind the Planet, or should I say, the dwarf planet. Snapz!

After Pluto was expelled from our solar system’s planetary club, life went on for the remaining 8 planets. Jupiter proceeded to brag about his awesome Great Red Spot, Mercury continued with his eccentric orbit around the Sun, and Earth stayed blue and pretty. Business as usual. Pluto, however, went on to follow a lonely dark path to deep depression.

Mars: I never liked the guy, but I’m not an asshole. I’m concerned with how he’s taking the whole ordeal. Dude is seriously depressed.

Earth: Yeah. He’s become so bitter, when I asked his opinion on global warming, he told me to list down the known facts about it and, I quote, “Shove the damn list up your ozone layered ass, bitch!” What a douche.

As if the physical distance between him and his former planet buddies wasn’t enough, Pluto decided to distance himself emotionally from them by fraternizing with the galaxy’s most notorious sentient beings: brothers from the streets.

Pluto: Those 8 morons think they’re better than me?! Well fuck them and their “planet” classifications! I’m made of ice and ROCK! I deserve better friends! The definition of a planet ain’t no thang for my new homies. We party like rock stars and we have more bling than Saturn!

Saturn: What an idiot.

Aside from hanging out with his new peeps, Pluto also found a way to “melt” his ice: unprotected sex with prostitutes.

Drugs and alcohol soon followed his addiction for hookers. His downward spiral eventually led to numerous run-ins with the law.

Venus: I think it’s time for an intervention. He wasn’t like this before. Maybe we should ask Earth’s scientists to consider re-instating Pluto as a planet. You know, some kind of an honorary thing? We seriously need to spread some love within our solar system, you guys.

Pluto: Shut yo’ *hic* mouth, bitch! *hic*

Venus: Pluto, you’re drunk again. And possibly high. Maybe you should–

Pluto: Whore.

Venus: What the–?! MINOR PLANET NUMBERED 134340!

It doesn’t seem Pluto will be straightening up his life anytime soon. With the 8 planets’ patience running thin, all he can rely on now is a group of drunkass friends and a harem of STD-rich ladies of the night. Things aren’t looking so good for Pluto’s future. Let’s all hope he sees the light sooner rather than later.

Sun: Yeah, I hope finds a source of light other than myself because with all of his shenanigans and repulsive attitude, he ain’t gettin’ my sunshiny shit, that’s for sure. That punk.

Comments

  1. Pingback: Behind the Planet: Catching Up with Pluto : PinoyBlogoSphere.com (PBS)

  2. Actually I’ve talked to the planets and the shit with pluto just got real. Pluto is now hanging out with dudes from the kuipers belt. The same guys responsible for launching comets asteroids and meteors? If I know Pluto, I feel he’s planning revenge against the 8 planets. Told you this shit got real dude.

    ^See with the proper amount of weed I could also write stuff up! hehehehehe!

  3. Well Pluto's got it bad. Maybe it should be referred to Planets Anonymous! Oh wait, not funny. :P

    Can't wait for the uranus post!

  4. @Ade: About the whole prostitute business? Yeah, I thought so.

    @Joel: You tellin’ me someone’s gonna pop a cap on somebody else’s ass? Oh snap, that’s tight yo!

    @Juice: What ABOUT my anus?! Hmf!

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