I’m the treasurer of the Straight Edge Society.

For the past 30 days, I’ve been living relatively clean. I haven’t had a taste of alcohol in a month. A MONTH! It’s almost a straight edge life if not for the fact that I smoke, watch TV, eat junk food and dick around the Internet all day. But yes, for the past 30 days, I have managed to stay away from alcohol. If you know me, this is a shocker. If you want to quit alcohol for a whole month too, let me give you some tips.

Live as far away from your drinking buddies as possible. If you’re like me, you don’t have a lot of friends. They’re the only people you are comfortable to drink with and they’re the only people who can stand you when you’re drunk, so it’s just natural that when you’re around them, you always get the urge to get sloshed. You want to stop getting shitfaced? Move away from your drinking buddies. It’s a lonely life, but it’s an alcohol-free life.

Ask the wrong people out to drink with you. If you have managed to alienate yourself from your regular drinking buddies, you’ll eventually look for new ones, right? There will always be people who are willing to drink with you if you know where to look. But remember, you’re trying to stop drinking for a while. So do what I did. Ask people who aren’t remotely interested in beer to drink with you. You’re guaranteed to be disappointed and sober for a very, very, VERY long time.

Be lazy. This is quite easy for me to do, so I hope it’s easy for you too. All you need to do is tell people who are asking you to go out and drink with them that you are busy or you have to be somewhere else. Of course, that’s a lie. You’ll just marinate on your couch while you watch The Vampire Diaries and funny videos of cats all day so you could come up with a mash-up of those things in your mind.

Coming this fall on the CW, The Vampire Cat Diaries: “I NOM ON UR BLOOD! LOL!”

Try to impress a girl. I don’t know why some girls find sober dudes who don’t send them weird and creepy drunk text messages impressive, but they do. It’s mystifying. This is the dumbest way to stay sober. Only a complete idiot will stop drinking for a month and make a big deal out of it just to impress a girl.

Follow these tips and you’ll be sober in no time. Now, don’t get me wrong. Letting my liver rest for a while may be good for me, but I’m not letting this go on any longer. That’s enough rest for you, liver! I’m ready to go out and get stupidrunk. Just in time for Oktoberfest! Yay!