I am Jack’s insolent laptop. I slow down when Jack needs me most, driving him insane.

I am Jack’s cigarette stick. I kill Jack slowly.

I am Jack’s imaginary girlfriend. I torture Jack with thoughts of warm hugs and setting the world on fire.

I am Jack’s social networking accounts. I let Jack know that somehow, he still has friends.

I am Jack’s raging boner. I make Jack uncomfortable whenever it is most inconvenient.

I am Jack’s dozen bottles of beer. I solve all of Jack’s problems.

I am Jack’s problems. I usually come from Jack’s tendency to drink way too many beers.

I am Jack’s short attention span. I don’t let Jack finish anything. Even the

I am Jack’s broken heart. I force Jack to listen to cheesy love songs.

I am Jack’s stash of comics. I give him entertainment using men in tights punching each other IN THE FACE.

I am Jack’s seemingly impressive resume. I make Jack think he’s important and awesome, but really, he’s not.

I am Jack’s strange obsession with explosions. I make Jack happy.

I am Jack’s sense of humor. I make jack sad.

I am Jack’s stupid blog entry. I let Jack express his stupid little feelings.