Unlike last year, I won’t be a dick to you new college graduates. Instead, let me impart a few solid bits of wisdom:

• Unless your family is depending on your income, take your time in picking jobs you’ll apply for. You don’t want to enter the work force in half-assed fashion.
• Don’t stress about your bare-ass resume. You just graduated, silly. There’s not a lot you can put in there.
• It’s going to be weird for a while, not getting the chance to get stupidrunk every night and all, but hang in there. You’ll get used to it.
• Speaking of getting stupidrunk every night, don’t go to an interview with a hangover. And don’t stare at women’s breasts. Trust me on this.
• Don’t let go of all those wonderful college memories. You’ll need them when you’re cold and lonely and stressed out and wondering why people need jobs because it’s stupid and you should be on the beach getting stupidrunk.

But seriously, good luck with the job hunt. Congratulations and welcome to the wonderful world of corporate bullcrap! And oh, what the hell…

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