Back in college, I always thought I was the cool drunk guy who gives out sage advice to the kids and the lovelorn during drinking sessions. You know, the guy who makes sure the party is fun for everybody. The guy who makes sure nobody gets hurt, no matter how drunk they are. The guy who people generally like and who’s definitely, you know, not annoying. But I’m not in college anymore and I have this sinking feeling that I’m turning into a whole new type of drunk guy: THE DOUCHE.

Last week, I went to UNO Magazine’s Eargasm held at Capone’s, A.Venue with a bunch of Internet friends. I wore my favorite button down shirt because I didn’t want to look like a douche wearing a stupid t-shirt. I didn’t realize one of the buttons on my shirt, next to the topmost, was missing until I was already in the office. Going back to my apartment was not an option. Long story short, I was left with two choices: look like a total nerd with the topmost button buttoned down or keep it open and look like a Mexican telenovela actor, chest hair exposed. Guess what I picked.

Before we left A.Venue, I finally met Billycoy. It must be the unholy amount of Ginebra Premium Gin I consumed during the party, I don’t know, but once I saw him, I blurted out “HOLY SHIT! IT’S THE MUDDAFUCKEN BILLYCOY!” complete with The Outsiders finger-pointing action. I practically did that shit all night.

photo by THE muddafucken Ade Magnaye

And that wasn’t the end of it. We went to Beers Paradise where a female friend brought a guy friend and I was like “OY! MAY KAMUKHA KA! (HEY! YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEONE AND I’M TRYING REALLY HARD TO REMEMBER HIS NAME BUT I JUST CAN’T!)” After several minutes of saying that, my friend introduced the guy as the brother of Hans Montenegro and I was like “THAT’S IT! YOU LOOK LIKE HANS MONTENEGRO! BECAUSE YOU’RE HIS BROTHER! WHICH TOTALLY MAKES SENSE! BECAUSE YOU GUYS ARE BROTHERS! AND YOU LOOK ALIKE!” I was already sober by the time we arrived at Beers Paradise, by the way.

Surprisingly, nobody punched me in the face that night.

So, what do you think? Am I a lean mean PR machine or the most socially retarded dickhead ever? YOU DECIDE!