Previously on Jack Bauer Lite: Jack Baddier totally freaked out when he heard animals making animal sounds. What an idiot.

Jack Baddier: What a nice morning. Perfect for driving, smoking, dicking around with the CD player and talking to someone on the phone, all at the same time. Isn’t that right, Chloe?

Chloe: Hang up now! I need you to be alive and in our super secret office early! No later than 9 AM.

JB: Why? What happens at 9 AM?

C: The whole ground floor will be blasted with the Airborne Cancer Nano-Virus we invented.

JB: WHAT THE–?! WHY?!

C: Super secret beta testing.

JB: So this midget was like “Want some of this, dickface? Bring it, beeyotch!” with his cute little voice, right? And I was like “Dude. I didn’t mean to make out with your hot wife in my car at the parking lot.” so then he was like–

C: WHY are you still talking to me? PUT. THE PHONE. DO–

JB: Hold your granny panties, Chloe. Someone’s behind me. It’s… it’s a car. I think someone’s driving it.

C: ….. What? You’re on the highway. It’s perfectly normal to have other cars there with you. In fact, when you’re on the roa–

JB: Hush, Chloe! This is serious! I need to lose this clown. Callyoulaterbye!

C: *sigh* Jack, don’t do th– *beep*

Okay, what do I do? I don’t have my explosives. I could try to make my experimental piss bomb, but that would take too much time and I don’t want to ruin my shirt.

I could go Lethal Weapon on his ass. Climb on top of my car, jump onto other cars to confuse whoever is following me, then shoot his tires to flip his car over. Then I’m going to jump on a moving bike, push th– no, wait. Who’s going to drive my car? Dammit.

Maybe I should just drive really, really, really fast. I’m a genius. *starts to drive really, really, really fast* BOHAHAHA! *breaks* DAMMIT! Stupid traffic.

*slows down, positions car beside the one behind him, and sticks head out the window*

JB: Who are you working for?!

Innocent Driver: What?!

JB: WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?! DON’T LIE TO ME, YOU FUCKING LIAR!

ID: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

JB: I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING! YOU WILL NOT PREVAIL!

ID: FUCK YOU, JACKASS! *speeds off*

JB: WH… WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! YOU CAN’T– ah fuck it. Here’s my exit.

Aaaannnd Jack Baddier’s in the building! With a minute to spare. All I need to do now is to get to the elevators before 9:00 AM and I’ll be moonwalking onto  our super secret office in no time. Boy, I sure hope I don’t get to inhale that Airborne Cancer Nano-Virus thingy. That would be horrible. I pity all these people unaware that they’re nothing more than simple lab rats. And there’s a lot of them. And they’re hogging the elevators. And… all the elevators are going up now. Shit.

NOTE: Sorry, kids. I’m just too excited about the 7th season of 24 which started earlier this week. BAUER POWER!