Things I Think About While Swimming in Our Pool

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Oct 11

Things I Think About While Swimming in Our Pool

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I’ve been swimming regularly in our pool for about half a year now and I’m getting a lot of benefits from it. First, it’s an awesome way to beat the heat. It’s also a nice way to work out, especially since I’m fat and too lazy to go to the gym or run or bike or do sit-ups. Helps my lung strength too (I really should stop smoking). The best benefit I get from swimming in our pool is I get to be alone. I get the chance to meditate about my life. You know, important stuff. And now, I’d like to share these things to you in a piece I’d like to call…

First of which is “FUNNY CATS”

I SPENT THE FIRST 26 YEARS OF MY LIFE WITHOUT KNOWING HOW TO SWIM

Man, I can’t believe I just learned how to swim a few months ago. I don’t know how I enjoyed swimming parties and trips with only The Cannonball, The Belly Flop, The Stick to the Sides Shenanigan, and The Doggie Paddle for a Few Feet in my swimming arsenal. My consolation for this 26-year I-Can’t-Swim era is that I learned to swim all by myself.

MICHAEL PHELPS IS A DOUCHEBAG

Seriously, he is. I heard he won 74 gold medals in the Douchebag Olympics. He won a trophy for the Douchebag Cup. He was given a certificate for Outstanding Douchebaggery. He won a Nobel Prize in Douchebag Science. He’s in line to get a Douchebag of the Year award from the International Order of Douchebags AND the Douchebag Alliance of America. I bet after 50 years, when he’s probably still beating everybody and their uncle in swimming AND fucking mermaids, he’d get a Lifetime Achievement Award in the Field of Douchebaggery.

CAMILLA BELLE, KIM SMITH, AND LAURA RAMSEY

MY NEXT BLOG ENTRY

What should I put in this stupid blog that will not look stupid but probably will anyway? Why do I even bother? Will people spend their valuable time commenting on this supposed non-stupid entry instead of Superpoking their friends on Facebook? How can I convince my friends to keep me as their friend after they read this crap?

INTERNATIONAL POLITICS AND LOCAL CURRENT EVENTS

I’m kidding.

GHOSTS

I almost always swim at night, OK?! It’s dark and I hear strange noises!

MY NEXT NIGHT OUT WITH FRIENDS

I always look forward to the next time I can drink beer with my friends. Although the best beer parties are always those you didn’t plan for.

I DIDN’T STRETCH

Again. Seriously, I don’t know why I don’t stretch before swimming, knowing that after I get out of the pool, I’m going to feel my muscles hurting like a bitch. This is how lazy I am, people. It’s pathetic, really.

BATBEAR

Well, these are the usual stuff I think about when I’m meditating in the pool. Of course, I also think about work and romance, but you don’t need to know about those. Heh.