If you're new here, you may want to add some dickery to your feed reader by subscribing to my RSS feed. High five!
Yes, after several years of failed attempts at controlling fire, I’ve finally done it! I always knew I was special. Mutant special. And now that I’ve discovered my previously latent mutant pyrokinetic ability, I’m wondering if I have other superhuman powers. I’m determined to find out, and I believe I can discover the truth with the help of my trusty old friend, SCIENCE!
You should know that there’s no one better in utilizing SCIENCE! than me. I’m a frickin’ scientist! I mean, I graduated with a Bachelor of SCIENCE! degree in Computer SCIENCE! I have a piece of paper to prove it! And seriously, you just can’t argue with a piece of paper. Sure, it took me 7 years to finish the damn course, but still.
So, without further ado, here’s my short quest in finding out if I have other awesome abilities… using SCIENCE!
FLIGHT
Background: I’ve always wanted to fly without the aid of aircrafts or several balloons strung together and attached to a chair. I’ve had dreams of me flying, trying to escape a ridiculously slow-moving giant caveman. Maybe that’s a sign.
Hypothesis: If I think really, really hard, I will be able to jump off our roof and fly, and not plummet to my certain death.
Experiment: I climbed up our roof, paying no attention to crying loved ones who were begging me to stop my nonsense and get professional help. I took a deep breath, made the sign of the cross, gave the middle finger to the police snipers across the street, and jumped. I landed on our stupid dog. Poor fucker died.
Conclusion: I can’t fly. Or maybe I should lose weight. Lots of it. Also, dogs are frail creatures.
TELEPATHY
Background: Doing the first experiment made me think about the power of my mind. No, not it’s power to produce coherent thoughts. I’m talking about it’s power that lets me communicate using only my thoughts. When I realized I wasn’t going to fly, I mentally told our dog to continue with his peaceful sleep and not move so he can break my fall. And he did!
Hypothesis: With enough concentration, or if faced with a life-altering situation like certain death, I can communicate with other living creatures… with my mind.
Experiment: Seeing that our other dog was saddened by the loss of her companion, I decided to talk to her and ease her pain… with my mind. I stared at her eyes, touched my head with my left hand, and pointed my right hand at her nose. I then concentrated like I was taking an exam after a night of drinking and wild kinky sex. She bit my hand. With a passion.
Conclusion: FAIL. At this point, I’m ready to cry. But I have to remind myself that all is not lost. I can control fire, for chrissakes!
SUPER SPEED
Background: After receiving first aid from the town warlock, and after making the town doctor convince me that a dog bite will not give me polio, I realized things could’ve gotten worse. The stupid widow dog could’ve bitten my face off, but with my cat-like reflexes, I managed to steer clear of her canine wrath! After she bit my hand. That’s a hint of super speed, you guys!
Hypothesis: If I want to, I can move LIKE LIGHTNING!
Experiment: I saw the disappointment in the face of one of the snipers. He didn’t get to shoot anyone. Except for the stupid widow dog. She had it coming, that bitch. I saw this as an opportunity for Mr. Sniper Man to make use of his Third World marksmanship by trying to shoot me IN THE FACE, and as a chance for me to bring out my super speed by trying to catch the speeding bullet… with my teeth.
Conclusion: The experiment didn’t push through. People say I fainted, but I disagree. I believe I inadvertently teleported to safety. And then I fainted. GREAT SUCCESS! I was able to break the time/space continuum by utilizing my awes– OK, fine. I just fainted. EPIC FAIL.
Well, that was a bust. But not totally, if you ask me. After all, I CAN CONTROL FIRE!
RELATED POSTS:
Where’s ther experiment where you actually control fire, you liar?
There wasn’t an experiment for that ability, Ade. You didn’t read the post, did you? Ass.
PICS OR IT’S NOT TRU— Oh. :(
This Baddie is a liar with his pants…ON FIRE!
You still don’t explain how you can control fire. I want to learn…
Why you gots to be mean to dem bitchass ho dawgs, yo :(
@Guru: If I told you, I’d have to kill you… BY SETTING YOU ON FIRE YEAH!
@LOLga: Because they’re frail. Survival of the fittest, man. Survival of the fittest.
If you look closely at the pics, you’ll see that the person pretending to be Baddie has hair.
I call fake Baddie. With Fake Fire Powers.
The first thing I noticed is the presence of hair on your head. Also, the eerie resemblance with Mike Villar, specially the last picture. I agree with Pau!! Fake Baddie!!!
You forgot to tell how you lost all your hair once on a fatal FIRE accident.