Finally, I Can Control Fire!
Yes, after several years of failed attempts at controlling fire, I’ve finally done it! I always knew I was special. Mutant special. And now that I’ve discovered my previously latent mutant pyrokinetic ability, I’m wondering if I have other superhuman powers. I’m determined to find out, and I believe I can discover the truth with the help of my trusty old friend, SCIENCE!
You should know that there’s no one better in utilizing SCIENCE! than me. I’m a frickin’ scientist! I mean, I graduated with a Bachelor of SCIENCE! degree in Computer SCIENCE! I have a piece of paper to prove it! And seriously, you just can’t argue with a piece of paper. Sure, it took me 7 years to finish the damn course, but still.
So, without further ado, here’s my short quest in finding out if I have other awesome abilities… using SCIENCE!
FLIGHT
Background: I’ve always wanted to fly without the aid of aircrafts or several balloons strung together and attached to a chair. I’ve had dreams of me flying, trying to escape a ridiculously slow-moving giant caveman. Maybe that’s a sign.
Hypothesis: If I think really, really hard, I will be able to jump off our roof and fly, and not plummet to my certain death.
Experiment: I climbed up our roof, paying no attention to crying loved ones who were begging me to stop my nonsense and get professional help. I took a deep breath, made the sign of the cross, gave the middle finger to the police snipers across the street, and jumped. I landed on our stupid dog. Poor fucker died.
Conclusion: I can’t fly. Or maybe I should lose weight. Lots of it. Also, dogs are frail creatures.
TELEPATHY
Background: Doing the first experiment made me think about the power of my mind. No, not it’s power to produce coherent thoughts. I’m talking about it’s power that lets me communicate using only my thoughts. When I realized I wasn’t going to fly, I mentally told our dog to continue with his peaceful sleep and not move so he can break my fall. And he did!
Hypothesis: With enough concentration, or if faced with a life-altering situation like certain death, I can communicate with other living creatures… with my mind.
Experiment: Seeing that our other dog was saddened by the loss of her companion, I decided to talk to her and ease her pain… with my mind. I stared at her eyes, touched my head with my left hand, and pointed my right hand at her nose. I then concentrated like I was taking an exam after a night of drinking and wild kinky sex. She bit my hand. With a passion.
Conclusion: FAIL. At this point, I’m ready to cry. But I have to remind myself that all is not lost. I can control fire, for chrissakes!
SUPER SPEED
Background: After receiving first aid from the town warlock, and after making the town doctor convince me that a dog bite will not give me polio, I realized things could’ve gotten worse. The stupid widow dog could’ve bitten my face off, but with my cat-like reflexes, I managed to steer clear of her canine wrath! After she bit my hand. That’s a hint of super speed, you guys!
Hypothesis: If I want to, I can move LIKE LIGHTNING!
Experiment: I saw the disappointment in the face of one of the snipers. He didn’t get to shoot anyone. Except for the stupid widow dog. She had it coming, that bitch. I saw this as an opportunity for Mr. Sniper Man to make use of his Third World marksmanship by trying to shoot me IN THE FACE, and as a chance for me to bring out my super speed by trying to catch the speeding bullet… with my teeth.
Conclusion: The experiment didn’t push through. People say I fainted, but I disagree. I believe I inadvertently teleported to safety. And then I fainted. GREAT SUCCESS! I was able to break the time/space continuum by utilizing my awes– OK, fine. I just fainted. EPIC FAIL.
Well, that was a bust. But not totally, if you ask me. After all, I CAN CONTROL FIRE!
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Where’s ther experiment where you actually control fire, you liar?
There wasn’t an experiment for that ability, Ade. You didn’t read the post, did you? Ass.
PICS OR IT’S NOT TRU— Oh. :(
This Baddie is a liar with his pants…ON FIRE!
You still don’t explain how you can control fire. I want to learn…
Why you gots to be mean to dem bitchass ho dawgs, yo :(
@Guru: If I told you, I’d have to kill you… BY SETTING YOU ON FIRE YEAH!
@LOLga: Because they’re frail. Survival of the fittest, man. Survival of the fittest.
If you look closely at the pics, you’ll see that the person pretending to be Baddie has hair.
I call fake Baddie. With Fake Fire Powers.
The first thing I noticed is the presence of hair on your head. Also, the eerie resemblance with Mike Villar, specially the last picture. I agree with Pau!! Fake Baddie!!!
You forgot to tell how you lost all your hair once on a fatal FIRE accident.
um if you have pyrokinesis you wont lose your hair or anythinhg trust me i have it you need to look up ((CHI ENERGY)) that will help you do pyrokiesis you need to no how to make a ((PSI BALL))-ENERGY BALL AS FOR THE GUY IN THE PICS HES A PHONEY FAKE JERK FACE PYROKIESIS IS REAL
-BELIEVE-
@chanel: THE GUY IN THE PICS IS ME, YOU IDIOT.
Good God…
Jonas Diego´s last blog post: Pablo Banila…REVEALED!
dude ur so stupid if your gonna try to lie and say you can control fire at least make the pics look realistic. there is fucking wood under the fire for chrissakes. and in the 3rd pic its not even coming out of ur mouth ifu look close. oh ya nad in the 2nd pic ur hand is like under. nice try though for trying to use that stupid trick wiht the camera and failing miserably
@sam: This post wasn’t meant to be taken seriously but for a few laughs. Why don’t you do a better job then?
@chanel: sheesh… some people can’t tell a joke and the real thing. I wonder what rock you came under from?
..wow, those pics are pure win. :D
Oh Lordy.
he is not really controling fire. the fire is in the background. He is just posing.
bullshit. omg you do need help
Fucking idiots.
dude, u r so LAME!!! u joke around with all of us sayin dat u kno hw 2 controle fire. da only thing dat u need 2 learn how 2 controle as well as the fire is ur ignorance and stupidity.
ur just a LoSeR!!
Hey dickhead. You need to learn 3 things:
1. how to read
2. how to spell
3. how NOT TO BE STUPID
This is so gay.
ur tellin me dat i need 2 learn how 2 spell. let me introduc u 2 somethin. its called SHORT FORM….. but im sure dat an empty headed freak like u wld not kno wat it is
and gud job! u finaly kno how 2 count… dat makes 1 thin ur gud @
Yes, I can count. Assuming that you’re not using a QWERTY keyboard, I’ll let your short form shit pass. If you ARE using QWERTY, WTF is wrong with you?!
Also, yeah. I can count. That’s 1 out of 3 things you need to learn. There’s 2 more! All you need to do is improve your reading comprehension and NOT BE STUPID. Maybe you can look up the word “sarcasm” while you’re at it.
is dat ment 2 make me cry! 2 bad im 2 busy vomiting over ur looks!
LOL what an idiot.
i kno rite..
your just lying. there’s fire in the background and your posing.
I just hate people like you that think you can trick people into believing you have fire powers. If you did have fire powers, you wouldn’t be bragging about online, because the government would want to find you and run tests on you.
HAVING FIRE POWERS IS NOT FUN!!!
HAVING ANY POWERS IS NOT FUN!!!!