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When it comes to illness and ailments, there are three groups of people. First, those who are too paranoid about their health that at the first sign of the smallest discomfort, they always think the worst and they scram to the nearest clinic or hospital to have themselves checked. Let’s call these guys Paranoid Pessimists. Second, those who wait a while before seeing a doctor. They’re boring. Let’s not talk about them. Third, those who think they have a healing factor or regenerative abilities or something. They only consult specialists when they’re already coughing blood or shitting green goo. They always say “I’m OK. Really.” These guys we’ll call OK Optimists. I am one of them.

As an OK Optimist, I always choose to wait things out no matter how scary the situation already is like the most recent thing that happened to me, Bell’s Palsy. Given that I didn’t really consult anyone about it, let’s just pretend that reading stuff on the Intarnetz is a reliable substitute for medical consultation and acknowledge my condition really is Bell’s Palsy. Come on, the symptoms where there! Don’t bug me!

So yeah, it was scary. I was freaked out. But I told myself “Give it a couple of weeks before going to the doctor.” Sure enough, by the middle of the second week, the worst was over. My recovery had already begun. It was a slow recovery, but there was progress every week so it’s all good. I now feel invincible. Modern medicine ain’t got nothin’ on my laziness and pride!

Being an OK Optimist, however, has two major drawbacks. One, you may be sitting on a seriously serious illness or condition and you’re just drinking beer and taking pictures of yourself so you can laugh at it later. Two, your friends and family will constantly bug you about going to the doctor. Sweet? Yes. Annoying? Hells yeahs. But it’s all over now. OK Optimist Baddie can relax. Or can he?

Earlier today, we had our annual physical examination. As an OK Optimist, I despised the fact that I had no choice but to surrender myself to such a violation of my sexy, sexy body. I hate finding out that my left eye’s vision is better than my right one. I hate finding out that my blood pressure is ridiculously high. Hypertensive high. I hate finding out what’s wrong with me. That means I have to deal with them. That means less time for more important stuff like, I dunno, lying around doing nothing? Or Superpoking people on Facebook.

Speaking of Superpoking, everything I hate about physical exams faded like fart on a windy day when I saw the doctor on duty. She’s frickin’ hot. First time I saw her, I was at the lobby and she was just coming in from a Starbucks coffee run. She was all perky and radiant, and she gave me the biggest smile when she saw me (more on that later). She’s like a California cheerleader wearing a cute little plunging top in a doctor’s robe.

When I was already inside the physical exam room, wearing only a green robe and my underwear, I was both dreading and hoping that she’ll be the one to violate me. And sure enough, I shit you not, I almost blurted out “OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!” when she entered the small room. It was hard (hyuk! hyuk! hyuk!) to keep Li’l Baddie down, but I managed to evade an epic boner moment. You have to give me credit, you guys! Seriously. She was making small talk! She told me she thought I looked familiar, hence the big smile earlier! She slowly sat beside me on a totally comfortable bed! She poked and touched me for what seemed like hours! I’m telling you, that’s how porn movies start.

I eventually got over her when I overheard her telling the next patient that she’s thankful to get female examinees because she’s seen too many birds the last couple of days. I assume when she said “birds”, she meant “grotesque sex organ horrors”. One more reason for OK Optimist Baddie to carry ill will and bitterness against the medical field.

I’m done. You can throw up now.

• Baddie 2007
• Uncanny X-Men #500, Secret Invasion, Justice Society of America Annual #1, and Other Face-Rocking Comics
• Behind the Planet: Catching Up with Pluto
• Breaking News: Darth Vader Attacks Founders of Jedi Church
• The Secret
• Weekly Haul #1: X-Week
• Hi-Fi
• Meez Dickery: Big Daddy Baddie
• Volume 2
• Everything & Nothing