Mysterious Benefactor: Good morning, Mr. Bauer.
Jack Bauer: Who are you? Why am I here? Who are you working for? And why are you speaking to me through a speaker?
MB: Direct to the point. I like that. I work for no one. Who I am and why I’m not speaking to you in person aren’t really relevant questions at this time. Why you’re here, that’s the important question. See, a global threat has just arisen, and I need you to lead my team to end this threat.
JB: What threat? What team? And why me?
MB: Ever heard of this thing called a “declarative sentence”? Anyway, this global threat I speak of threatens life as we know it. He is pure and unadulterated evil. He is the most sinister being I have ever seen. If I know any better, I’d say he’s the Devil himself. If you would kindly direct your attention to the screen in front of you, let me show you the face of evil:
MB: Ryan Seacrest. He’s hatching a diabolical plan to destroy all life on Earth. We don’t have the details yet on what his exact plans are, but we do know that he has a secret island hideout where he’s concocting his evil schemes. The island is so secret that it doesn’t have a name. Other than it’s location, all we know about it is that a couple of years ago, Oceanic Flight 815 crashed there. My team, led by you, shall infiltrate this island and stop Seacrest’s demonic plot.
JB: Sounds like a plan. Will I be able to eliminate this threat in a span of 24 hours? Because, you know, that’s my specialty. Eliminating threats in a span of 24 hours. Usually exactly 24 hours.
MB: That’s weird. But nevertheless, yes. I believe you can.
JB: Before I agree, tell me about the team. And why did you pick me to lead?
MB: Well, according to my sources, you rock.
JB: You bet I do.
MB: I know you do. And as for the team, I am putting together a collection of extraordinary people who are qualified to save the world from the evil of Ryan Seacrest. You will meet them tomorrow. For now, let me tell you some info about them. Ready?
JB: Shoot.
MB: First, we have your second-in-command. Det. Vic Mackey, formerly of the LAPD. He’s been kicked out of the force because of his numerous… umm… misdeeds. He’s ready to do anything and everything to get the job done just like you, but with less morals.
JB: Why do I need a second-in-command? This degenerate sounds like trouble.
MB: He does, but we need him just in case, you know, you die.
JB: Fine. But if he doesn’t follow my orders, I’ll shoot him in the face.
MB: Acceptable. Now, moving on. For transport, we have Capt. H.M. “Howlin’ Mad” Murdock, formerly of the A-Team, which is a group of soldiers of fortune. The best chopper pilot of the Vietnam War. He’s a little insane, but who cares, right? He’s just your pilot.
JB: I’ll shoot him in the face if he crashes our chopper and kills us.
MB: Riiight. Next up, you’ll need a master of disguise. Or should I say, a mistress of disguise. Sydney Bristow is a field agent of APO, a black ops unit of the CIA. She’ll be joining you just in case you need someone to infiltrate a black-tie party.
JB: Black-tie party. On a secret island hideout. Riiight.
MB: Hey, you’ll never know. Next, I heard that Seacrest is an evil warlock-in-training. So just in case you encounter some magical crap, I’ll send witches to aid you.
JB: You have got to be kidding me.
MB: I kid you not, Mr. Bauer. I tried recruiting the Charmed Ones, but only one of them is available: Phoebe Halliwell. Since witches are more powerful when they come in threes, I recruited 2 more: Samantha Stephens and Willow Rosenberg, who’s a hot lesbian.
JB: Niiice.
MB: I know, right? If one of them somehow falls down a well, you need not worry because you’ll be accompanied by Lassie, your canine teammate.
JB: Witches then a dog. What next, an android?
MB: Actually, yes. You may need access to the Internet while you’re on the island, so I’ve recruited an android who can access all kinds of information on-demand. She can also make wicked margaritas. Her name is V.I.C.I., or Voice Input Child Identicant.
JB: Fine. Aside from the immoral cop and the hot CIA agent, do we have anyone else who can help me with hand-to-hand combat?
MB: Absolutely! We have a ninja. His name is Hiro Nakamura. He constantly says that he’ll save the world, and I believe him. He also claims that he can bend the time/space continuum. Whatever.
JB: He doesn’t look like a ninja to me.
MB: But, he’s Japanese.
JB: Fine.
MB: What’s up with all this “Fine.” shit? It’s irritating.
JB: …
MB: …
JB: Look, is that the whole team? My hot daughter’s waiting for me and I don’t want to be late for dinner.
MB: There’s a couple more members. First is your muscle guy. He has superhuman speed, strength, and endurance. Plus, his eyes have telescopic magnification and infrared capabilities. Mr. Bauer, behold! Steve Austin, the “Six Million Dollar Man”!
JB: Awesome.
MB: When all else fails, he’s your guy. Scientists say that more than 67% of all evil plots are thwarted by cyborgs, so you have a very good shot at this. Plus, if you run out of conversation topics, you can ask him about his bionically enhanced penis.
JB: …
MB: …
JB: And the last one?
MB: John Shaft. The token black guy.
JB: Fine. Are we finished?
MB: There you go again with…
JB: LET IT GO! Ass.
MB: Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Bauer. Good night.
JB: Wait, tell me your name, you weird son of a bitch.
MB: Fine, whatever. Charlie. My name’s Charlie.
JB: Alright. Good night, Charlie.
RELATED POSTS:
How dare you speak ill of Mr. Ryan Seacrest! Wait till his minions hear about this. You shall pay dearly…and pay dearly you shall!
Oh yeah?! Well, I’ll take those Seacrest minions OUT! Hyuk! Hyuk!