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So I’m pretending to be all mysterious and silent and anti-social and shit, right? I was doing fine until I saw the trailer for The Machine Girl. As much as I want to stay quiet and act seriously serious, I can’t. I mean, Yakuza? Ninjas? Tempura? Chainsaws? Flying Guillotine? Drill Bra? Lots of blood? REVENGE?! It’s making my vagina wet, and I don’t even have a vagina! Consider yourself watched, Japanese Movie Made of WIN!

Here we are again. I’m about to write something silly and you’re going to read it. Remember Scorched Earth? I’m sure you don’t. Well, you’d probably be familiar with that post and what it’s all about after reading this one because I’m pulling another Scorched Earth.

See, the past few days, I felt like a pail of ice cold water was thrown AT MY FACE. Certain words were said. Certain possibilities were opened. I was suddenly asking myself what the hell am I doing? What the fuck am I going to do next? Am I really willing to do the things I’m not used to doing? It’s like I was lounging around, watching Pinoy Big Brother, minding my own business, when suddenly, God tore off the roof of our house and asked me in his godly voice, “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING WITH YOUR LIFE, BOY?!”

In a matter of days, I found the will to organize my shit and figure out how to fix broken things in my life. I started to figure out how to move forward into directions I never even knew existed. The last few days were my Road to Damascus. A string of moments of clarity didn’t let me sleep right. It was a renaissance of the soul! And then, a road block… OF CHAOS! Baddie was is brokenated. All because of a small taste of a divine cookie.

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graduates of 2008

HUHLOLZ! But seriously, congratulations to the new graduates! Good luck with the job hunt. Say goodbye to the campus bitches and say hello to the office sluts. Yay! Also, STAY AWAY FROM MY PARKING SPACE. Thank you.

mean girls week

To end Mean Girls Week, I think it’s appropriate if I share a mean girl story. A story plucked from my own retarded high school past. It’s not a story about skanky bitches calling everybody “sluts” and “whores”. It’s about high school drama, angst, and awkward silences. It’s about me being in jail with a girl named Vanessa.

I went to a Catholic school in Sta. Rosa, Laguna. Canossa School to be exact. A place were dreams are born and hearts are broken. A breeding ground for leaders, jocks, losers, artists, mean girls, and background dancers for noontime TV shows.

izzy trazona

Well hello there, Sexbomb Izzy. How YOU doin’?

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mean girls week

You may think only teen girls can be mean girls, but you’re wrong. There are different kinds of mean girls. There are ultra hot mean girls, fat whore mean girls, boy mean girls, gay mean girls, old mean girls, Eastern European dictator mean girls, ancient Egyptian demon reborn in the modern day world as a dentist mean girls, etc. Anybody can be a mean girl. You can be a mean girl. Not sure if you are? Want to find out? Yes? Well, luckily for you, it’s Mean Girls Week. It’s the perfect time to discover if you’re a skanky whore bitch mean girl inside. Just take the following quiz to find out! Grool? Grool.

1. A friend of yours introduces you to someone from another country. A weird country. Like Africa or Japan or something. You…

  1. invite him/her to join you for a cup of coffee, hoping to find out more about his/her culture and whatnot
  2. exchange pleasantries and move on with your crazy hectic life
  3. freeze and panic because you think all people from foreign lands carry diseases that can wipe out everyone on your side of the equator
  4. tell the summbitch to eat your shoe and fuck off before you punch him/her in the throat

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